When Is a Job Not a Job?

 

Advertised job vacancies have "soared" by 6000,000 since August, according to the latest official figures.

A little voice whispered in my ear: "That just goes to show how lazy and workshy Brits are, not wanting to snap up all those vacancies, and how briller than a brill thing is our Government for creating such a fantastic economy."

Next thing I knew, Dolly Parton had popped round naked to tell me I had won the Lottery, Angelina Jolie was kissing me and I went on to score all seven goals in England's triumph over Germany in the World Cup final!

Sadly, as it always does at such times, the alarm went off, I woke up, got dressed, made breakfast and then realised I had to answer a call of nature - by writing to the Employment Secretary. 

Who is our jobs supremo, I pondered? A bit of Googling revealed it is none other than Mims Davies. Who the fuck is Mims Davies, I hear you ask, and why, in the holy name of haircream, is she called Mims!?!??

Putting aside those seeming unfathomables for a moment, I penned the following:

Dear Ms Davies,

Wanna know why there are at least 600,000 jobs going begging and no matching stampede to fill them? I'll tell you.

Job CREATION is usually a good thing - but not so much job SUBSTITUTION. You see, when you sack someone to create a vacancy, that doesn't really get us anywhere - savvy? That, however, is what happens when furlows end and people are made redundant only for others to be subsequently invited aboard. 

Yes, bosses who got rid of thousands because they couldn't afford them during lockdown now want to rehire as the market has reopened.

Also, the collapse of manufacturing and other skilled jobs has led to a seismic shift towards unskilled positions. For instance, post lockdown, one company announced it was looking to recruit 8,000 workers. Hurrah! Unfortunately, it's Domino's and they want delivery drivers. Boo!

So many of these low-skill, low-wage jobs used to be taken up by people from the continent but Brexit put paid to that and so the vacancies remain.

As for Brits not queuing up to fill them, well, YOU try to pusuade a former global operations director for ICI to deliver family-sized Hawaiians from door-to-door instead! 

We used to have "proper" jobs and "proper" pay but your ilk would now have us take zero-hours, minimum wage servitude and be bloody grateful as well! Have you ever heard of William Wilberforce? Well, look him up then! Predictably, he wasn't a Tory.

Serious vacancies do arise from time to time, however - such as directorships, chairmanships, vice-chairmanships, consultancies and advisory roles - but, strangely, these are never advertised in JobCentres..............and your mob hoovers them all up anyway.

I look forward to the next General Election when there will be another 650 jobs up for grabs.

Regards,

Reg.

EAGER TO HELP, MIMS REPLIED THUS:

If I am not your MP, and you are approaching me in my role as Minister for Employment, I would encourage you to either contact your own MP or direct your enquiry via the DWP policy contact form available here: https://secure.dwp.gov.uk/ask-a-policy-question/contact-form