Get The Door Will You?

Oh no! There's a new crisis facing our already battered country and it could hit hard (see what I did there? No? You will).

A continuing killer plague has already knocked 139,000 people off the electoral rolls and NHS staff fear they could be swamped this winter when the seasonal flu epidemic adds to the misery.

We already knew world leaders were to gather in Glasgow at Halloween to talk and talk and talk and do nothing to stop the imminent obliteration of life on earth due to global warming.

Temperatures are however dropping in international relations as a new Cold War looks like breaking out between China, Russia and the West.

The world's supposedly leading democracy faces collapse as a madman backed by redneck fanatics threaten to stage a coup d'eta in the USA while Brexit and the pandemic are putting the UK on an economic par with Sudan as just about everything runs out and Sterling falls to the same value as the Matabele Gumbobead.

But something has happened in Britain which makes all that seem like a tiny inconvenience. Yes, we prayed it would never come to this but it has...................we've now got a shortage of bouncers!

This shocking fact was revealed by the Night Time Industries Association (does that include drug dealing and prostitution? Ed) which warned that this shortage posed "a threat to public safety". Presumably the NTIA is worried clubbers will now have to beat themselves up and get friends to throw them down dimly-lit stairs when they've already got enough on their plates.

At the risk of inviting a visit from some overly large men in dinner suits I thought I'd write to the association to offer some advice.

On looking up an address I was amused to find out who the CEO was. Are you ready for this? I'm not kidding........................it's Michael Kill! Brilliant!

Dear Mr Kill,

I was troubled to hear of the shortage of bouncers - sorry, doorstaff/security operatives - at venues and have come up with an idea which I think could help.

Have you considered relaxing the "no jeans or trainers" rule for applicants attending job interviews for staff?

And while I'm on, just because someone turns up drunk, vomiting and fighting in the street, does that really make them unsuitable for interview?

I also think relaxing the restriction on applicants having to be over 7ft tall and weighing at least 25 stone would bolster recruitment? Waddya' think?

Happy to help,

Reg.