Fire Down Below.

 

With the pandemic still raging, claiming an average of 145 deaths each day, and a looming Christmas flu epidemic which could be exacerbated by Covid, it has emerged that another health menace is just around the corner.

Mary Burke, senior clinical nurse at the London Bridge Plastic Surgery and Aesthetic Clinic, broke it to us gently.

She said dry autumn and winter air depletes the body, leading to dehydrated and cracked skin.

This "drought" is not isolated, however, and can spread, leading to..........wait for it.........WINTER VAGINA!!

Yes, that old peril in the pants! I pictured recently appointed Health Secretary Sajid Javid learning of this latest threat and sighing to himself: "Well, that's just fucking great! All I bleedin' need!"

In an effort to get him up to speed I thought the pitfalls and possible prevention of the condition needed outlining: 

Dear Sajid,

Tough break on the Winter Vagina front. Who'd'a thought?

An ex-girlfriend of mine used to suffer with it. Dry as camel's tits and cold as a witch's - and that was in the summer as well!

I suppose it's not such bad news for older ladies as, according to some TV adverts I've seen, they tend to leak all year round and so "flood the desert", as it were.

Younger women could have a problem though. I mean, having to carry a tin of Swarfega round with you on the Christmas party circuit in case you get lucky could be seen as an inconvenience.

Sex is not the only thing which will be affected, however. Walking down the street to the sound of curtains being drawn back and forth would no doubt be embarrassing.

"What the hell's that noise?"

"Oh, that's Janice. She's got a touch of Sahara Slot."

All is not lost, however. Midwife Mary Burke says simple lifestyle changes like eating your greens and avoiding harsh soaps could help. She also recommends buying a humidifier - although I'm not sure they make them that small.

For the warmer months, might I refer you to a post last year in Teen Vogue - "Getting the most out of your summer vagina."

In the long term I fear there is little which can be done because, well, not to put too fine a point on it, men are like an old-style Mini 850 - simple to operate, with few parts - whereas women are like today's state-of-the-art, fully computerised, luxury car - millions more parts and so millions more bits which can go wrong.

I hope this helps,

Reg.