Here's One.

Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock was

looking forward to some sun-drenched, exotic holidays after making a complete badger's arse of his job tackling the Covid pandemic. Sadly, his hopes have been dashed.

His association with arses also saw him caught on camera groping one belonging to an aide during an illicit snog and so he resigned, not because the married mandarin was shown to be an adulterous weasel but because he broke social distancing guidelines! You couldn't make it up.

Matt was not in the doldrums for long, however, because the United Nations offered him a job soon after (strange, it wasn't advertised in my JobCentre, Ed).

His remit was to travel around Africa - haven't they suffered enough? - helping nations recover economically from the Coronovirus plague.

All was spiffing until some bright spark at the UN decided to actually read Hancock's CV and then start scanning some back copies of British newspapers.

In a Road to Damascus moment the UN suddenly realised that the former British health chief was about as competent as Heather Mills in an arse-kicking contest (there's that association again!) and so promptly withdrew the job offer.

I surmised Hancock must be a smidge down in the dumps over this latest setback so thought I would offer some help.

Deat Matt,

Bummer! How dare those UN coves break a solemn and binding promise? Oh, no offence, I didn't mean to bring up any painful memories of marriage vows.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that, because of your Government's fantastic work, there are loads more opportunities out there. As your Government has said repeatedly, there are record numbers of vacancies, if only people could be bothered to apply for them.

Domino's is on the lookout for 8,000 delivery pizza drivers and that would get you out and about meeting people. It pays on average £9.64-an-hour and while that is a little less than the £41,000-plus supplement you got as Health Secretary what does it matter? I know your only desire is to serve the public.

A planned factory making toilet paper on the Deeside Industrial Estate in Flintshire is set to create 460 jobs but it would mean a move of house. Then again, as Norman Tebbitt urged, "Get on your bike!"

Meanwhile, 20 jobs are up for grabs at a cheese packing plant in Whitchurch, Shropshire, and Ant Marketing has 200 vacancies at its calls centres in South Yorkshire and North Derbyshire.

If all else fails you could always just scrape by on your MP's salary of £81,932 and your permitted "golden goodbye" from the health job of more than £16,000 which will doubtless help tide you over while you consider your options.

If you need to borrow a few quid in the meantime I got £15 from my granny for my birthday and I'd be happy to stump up for such a worthy cause.

Best wishes and good luck for the future,

Reg.

HANCOCK REPLIED THUS:

If you do not live in West Suffolk we cannot respond to you due to strict Parliamentary protocol.

(That's a long-winded way of saying "Fuck off pleb! Ed).