Go On, Make It A Stay-At-Home Sunday - Please?

With the most crucial meeting of world leaders in the history of this planet scheduled to start in Glasgow this weekend, commentators on BBC News are asking: "Has Boris Johnson got what it takes to get a deal?"

Well, put simply..............NO! NO, NO AND THRICE NO!!! A remedial, autistic monkey with dementia would be more effective!

The UK, unbelievably and laughably "led" by Johnson, will be joint president of the United Nations jamboree on Sunday - presumably because Timmy Mallet and Jimmy Clitheroe were otherwise unavailable. 

An indication as to Johnson's credibility for the title "Saviour of the World" is that he chose Glasgow in the hope that thousands of fluttering Union Jacks would crush the spirits and voting intentions of those who want Scottish independence - seriously!

Starting out with such petty intentions doesn't really augur well, or maybe it's just me.

Putting such a vital conference in the hands of Johnson might also be just the teensiest, weensiest mistake because, after all, he can't even remember how many kids he's got!

Don't forget, this is the man who:

1. Told business leaders Libya would become a magnet for tourists if they could "clear the dead bodies away".

2. Oversaw the drafting and signing of an "oven-ready" Brexit deal which turned out to be about as oven-ready as the frozen dick of a rabid dog.

3. Lied about a four-year affair with Petronella Wyatt, even though her mother confirmed it and said the journalist had an abortion as a result.

4. Helped get journalist Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe banged up by the Iranians by saying she had been teaching journalism in their country - so buggering up her defence that she had been on holiday.

5. Said the Queen liked touring the Commonwealth because she was always greeted by picaninnies with water melon smiles.

6. Lied that the NHS would benefit by £350 million-a-week if the UK left the EU - all the time KNOWING THAT WAS A LIE!

7. Falsely claimed Turkey was joining the EU then lied that he had ever made the claim.

8. Pissed £43 million of public money up the wall with his eventually scrapped Garden Bridge over the Thames.

9. Blew £322,000 on second hand water cannons which turned out to be illegal and so were left to rust.

10. Showed his support for inclusion and homosexuals by referring to gays as "tank-topped bum boys".

11. Cosied up to Trump while calling him "unfit to rule" (takes one to know one! Coming from Johnson that is surely the biggest insult Trump has ever taken).

12. Fostered great national, international and cultural relations by branding the French "turds", comparing the EU to Hitler, making up a story Italians had small dicks (seriously!), calling Hilary Clinton a "sadistic mental health nurse", reciting a colonial-era poem in Myanmar, boasting about whisky in a Sikh temple, penning a dirty limerick about Turkey's president and a goat, blaming Liverpool fans for Hillsborough and accusing them of "wallowing in victim status" and managing to piss off the whole of Papua New Guinea by referring to them as having enjoyed "orgies of cannabalism".

The list goes on......and on and on.

There are two ways of looking at this.

A. He's a nightclub comic - Oh fnaar, fnaar! He's such a card is Boris. He's done it again. God bless him.

Or

B. He's the Prime Minister - What? He did fucking what?? The man is a sodding moron! He's supposed to be running the country. He couldn't run a fucking bath! Please God, stop him NOW! The whole country is going to go down the pan!

Bit of a clue here - HE'S THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER!

It's bad enough that three of the world's biggest polluters aren't going to attend COP26 (China, Russia and Brazil). Putting Johnson in overall charge is about as good an idea as Gary Glitter opening a creche.

Dear Mr Johnson,

I thought you ought to know that Norwich are playing Leeds on Sunday. Kick-off is 2pm and it promises to be a great game. I really, REALLY think you should GO AND WATCH IT!

Failing that, Villa take on West Ham at 4.30pm. The clash of the claret and blues. Bound to be a big scrap. I can get you a ticket?

If that doesn't take your fancy, there is the Swingers "Dead Famous Disco" Hallowe'en Boogie Woogie at the Riverside, Newcastle, on Sunday. Sure to be loads of spare.

Failing that, The Levellers will be on at Bedford Park, Bedford. Let's party 'til we puke?

Whatever you're thinking of doing on Sunday, DON'T go to Scotland - it's closed - and especially DON'T go to Glasgow - there's an anthrax alert on there or something.

Hoping to meet you south of the border,

Reg.