The Fuzzy-Wuzzies Fight Back.

From the bulging files of the You Couldn't Make It Up vault comes a real pearler!

A group of MPs and campaigners with fuck all to do and all day to do it in have, would you believe, urged the equality watchdog to add a new offence to the ever growing list of things to be legislated as racism.

And, ladies and gentlemen, the latest supposed hate crime is..........taran taraaaa.........hair discrimination!

Yes, you heard. A letter signed by Liverpool Labour MP Kim Johnson, the Halo Collective (a trade union for lesbian, gay and trans angels? Ed) and Glamour Magazine has called for "textured hair" to become a protected characteristic!

Right, first off, being a bloke, I had no idea what bleedin' textured hair was! I of course turned to celebrity stylist Vernon Francois for help as one does at times like this and he said it was "where strands create shape like curves, spirals, zig-zags or waves. Hair is kinky, coily or wavey".

That made about as much sense as the instructions on a Chinese DVD player but with the help of photos my best guess is that it is what could be described as "fuzzy".

Quite how such hair prompts vile tirades of hateful abuse I don't know. I can't say I've ever witnessed it. I think bigots and racists have bigger fish to fry than to turn on the follicly-advantaged. I do know that, far from attracting discrimination, hair can itself be discriminatory. My hair, for instance, descriminated against me and fucked off many years ago. However, I don't recall it ever writing to the Government to highlight my plight.

Similarly, I can't say I remember Ms Johnson et al wanting baldies added to the roll of victims of hate crime. Then again, I can't say cries of "Oi, cueball!", "chromedome!" and "slaphead!" ever made me want to bung my head in a gas oven - besides, I'm electric.

A letter was called for:

Dear Ms Johnson,

Regarding your efforts to make hair discrimination a form of racism, you believe you are fighting bigotry but in fact you are doing nothing of the sort.

My lack of hair frequently attracts barbed comments but I don't want to be added to your list.

See, thing is, I have a sense of humour. Such taunts, while not Marx Bros material, are intended to be risible, not offensive.

What really gets me about supposed champions of equality is that, instead of uniting people, they insist on dividing them up into ever smaller groups. Black-white, men-women, old-young, disabled-able bodied, blind-sighted, deaf-hearing, gay-straight, bisexual-can actually make a decision, transgender-I'll stick with this pair of bollocks thanks.

Everyone HAS to be a victim. You and your colleagues pompously believe you speak for others and yet we don't hear them complaining.

I am an egalitarian. I believe we should all remember the things we have in common. I, however, praise the things which make us different and individual and don't make them an issue for protest.

I realise you think you are doing good, and I respect and admire you for that, but I think you've follicly fannied up on this one.

Kind regards,

Reg.