Boris Johnson has saved the day yet again!
Government greed gods Liz Truss and Dominic Raab were squabbling over who should have use of the grace and favour mansion Chevening House at the foot of the North Downs, near Sevenoaks in Kent. History dictates it should be the Foreign Secretary, Truss, but Raab, whom she replaced in the job, feels he has squatters' rights.
"Verily I say unto you, you shall both go to the balls there! Share the 800-year-old gaff - in addition to the homes you already own."
Dear Bojo,
I was truly worried about the old Chevening House conundrum. It really put into perspective the sky-rocketing energy bills I face along with the deadly pandemic, empty supermarket shelves, petrol stations run dry and the failure of our young table tennis players - sorry, whiff-whaff players - to break through at international level.
What a stroke of genius then to agree the pair should share Chevening - after initially ruling that they couldn't. Yes, divide the 115-room mansion in half. That's fifty rooms and seven-and-a-half bedrooms rooms each - as you said when you signed the Northern Ireland Protocol, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sure when you first belched "we're all in it together" you never dreamed that would apply to your accolites living in the same drum so, in order to avoid a repeat of the Brexit bollocks up which we are all in now, I feel it is important to get some ground rules clear first.
In an effort to help, as I am sure you're currently snowed under planning your next holidays this year, might I suggest:
1. Liz to do washing up Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, Dom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays while on Sundays Liz should wash and Dom dry.
2. Vacuuming and dusting to be done alternately by each once-a-week, the first week to be decided on the toss of a coin.
3. Items in the fridge to be clearly labelled according to the owner, Iiz baggsying the top two shelves and Dom the other two (freezer to be shared on an allocation basis to be agreed by Cabinet).
4. Liz to use bedrooms one to seven and Dom bedrooms eight to fourteen, each night of the week to be spent in a different bedroom. The fifteenth bedroom to be used by visiting dignitaries, members of the royal family and asylum seekers whose cases are being processed by both the Foreign Office AND the Ministry of Justice.
5. Dining room sittings to be drawn up by a cross-party committee of MPs.
6. Should the paths of occupants cross during the day rights of way to be decided by some sort of "protocol" agreed by the PM and Jean-Claude Junker - but there is to be NO HARD BORDER!
I hope these suggestions clear up any looming confusion. While I'm on, Housing Minister Chris Pincher has asked me how many more of these grace and favour pads there are lying about the place as his mate's brother-in-law is looking for somewhere since his wife kicked him out, Keith Vaz needs somewhere discreet to "entertain" and Prince Andrew is looking for somewhere to lie low for a while? I said I'd ask.
Anyway, must press on. Rees-Mogg wants me to find someone who will bitumise his shed roof in return for an OBE.
Love to Carrie and the two kids...no three....hang on......six?
Reg.
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