"California to enforce gender neutral toy aisles in large stores" screamed the headline. It prompted me to do some screaming of my own to the Governor of California, Gavin Newsom.
Dear Mr/Mrs Newsom,
I was pleased to hear you have not been sidetracked by a deadly pandemic devastating the planet, rising tensions with both China and Russia which bring with them the threat of World War III, the looming extinction of the planet as a result of global warming and the possibility of a coup d'etat in your country led by that orange thing in Mar-a-Lago and have focussed your attention instead on an issue which is of far more importance to the average Joe - or Joanne.
Your state legislature has gone straight to the root of the problem by correctly realising the real reason for these disasters currently facing the world is that dollies are sickeningly presented as girls and Action Men as boys. Similarly, mankind - or womankind.....or personkind - has laboured under the almost unbearable yoke since the time of Plato of having to see the Mr Men portrayed as blokes and Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds as......well......a bird!
This is just how Nazi Germany started! We have to end the tyranny once and for all. Our children need to know it is perfectly fine for boys to wear dresses, put on make-up and spend 15 hours on average doing just that before going out for the evening. Likewise, girls should be encouraged to break wind in bed, leave the toilet seat up and become serial killers.
The next step is to introduce a comprehensive range of counselling sessions for pubescent youngsters because once boys discover they have a groin appendage their sisters don't but lack the chest buns their sisters possess they are going to be irrevocably damaged and queueing up en-masse to sue Palitoy etc.
I must point out that some good work has been done already, however, as during my perusal of toy aisles looking up Barbies' dresses or down Action Men's trousers (an activity from which I am now banned by court order incidentally) I have yet to find a recognisable knob or fanny on any of them!
There will, of course, be nay-sayers. Apparently, Roger Hargreaves says it will be "fucking impossible" to gender neutralise his Mr Men creations as "It's kinda in the name you twat!" and Waddingtons have asserted it would go bankrupt trying to make Cluedo acceptable by instigating a major redesign to now feature Post-Op Miss Scarlet and hermaphroditic characters such as Prof Banana Slug, Col Common Slipper Shell and the Rev Earthworm.
The revolution has begun, however, and so I now look foward to stores filling their shelves with gender neutral wares, alongside all the toy guns, tanks, rocket-launchers and daggers.
I gather the fine for displaying a non-gender neutral toy will be $1,000 so maybe you will be able to put the proceeds towards the mental health treatment bills of members of your state legislature.
Keep up the good work,
Yours,
Reg/Regina.
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