And You Can Leave That Ceremonial Dagger Outside As Well, Abdul!

So, Newcastle United has been taken over by Saudi Arabia's (Not The Ruling Royal Family, Honest, That's Right Out) Public Investment Fund. 

First, manager Steve Bruce leaves "by mutual consent", the same kind of mutual consent agreed between Ruth Ellis and Albert Pierrepoint.

The second major move is not to sign Messi, Ronaldo and Lewandowski but to issue an edict to fans. "Don't wear traditional Middle Eastern clothing or Arab headdresses to matches!"

Dear Newcastle United,

This ban on Middle Eastern clothing and Arab headdresses, I really don't think you've thought it through.

Firstly, you do realise you've immediately banned Salman bin Abdulaziz, King of Saudi Arabia, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, from coming through the turnstiles of his own club to hurl abuse at Sunderland and any other visiting fans?

He ain't gunna be overly chuffed at being barred after the Saudi consortium lashed out £300 million to buy the Magpies. Not only that but all his family and homies will also be barred.

I can only guess your reasoning was that you felt Geordies dressed as Lawrence of Arabia would offend Sal? Well, I'm reliably informed that back in Saudi Arabia loads of people wear traditional Arab outfits and that doesn't appear to have put him in need of counselling.

Also, I notice your restriction is only for this one thing? Have you ever been to a game, let alone the last match of the season? I think you are going to have to try to get the king to believe blow-up dolls and inflatable penises are a traditional way of greeting people.

Here's hoping you reconsider.

Reg.