The Met has announced that it will not be taking action against Prince Andrew over sex abuse allegations levelled against him by American woman Virginia Guiffre, allegations he strenuously denies.
This must come as a huge relief to the prince at a time when the world seems to be against him - but not me!
Dear Andy,
Spiffing news about the rozzers! I knew the filth wouldn't dare try it on. It would have been hypocritical after giving big sis Anne a pass on that business with Temple Star, the jockey and the Sea Scouts. Likewise, Phil didn't even have to produce his documents after mowing down 32 disabled kids when they were on a day out at Sandringham.
I mean, if great-grandpa George didn't get so much as a stiff letter from his local neighbourhood watch for overseeing the slaughter of more than a million taxpayers on the fields of Flanders then Cressida Dick would have truly lived up to her name if she'd handed you an on-the-spot fine.
Anyway, since when has sexual abuse been illegal? There are some who'd say it's almost compulsory in some sections of The Met, along with misogyny and racism - not me, obviously (thanks for your lawyer's contact details by the way).
Old fruit, rest easy. You have a cast iron alibi whatever happens. Remember, you were on your way back from Pizza Express in Woking at the time of the alleged incident with that Guffaw woman. I mean, who is more believable? An alleged victim with witnesses and a photo of you pawing her when she was a teenager or the ninth in line to the throne - with dodgy business contacts, who flogged his house at an inflated price to a Kazach billionaire mate and claimed £620,000 in "expenses" while acting as a supposedly unpaid trade envoy for the UK - who says that at the time he had stopped off to soak up the ambience of a Woking pizza joint and then got the bus home?
Courage mon brave! They've only ever successfully nabbed Charles I.
Reg.
P.S. Are you still up for a few noggins in Wetherspoon's in Wakefield on Friday and a curry at the Laughing Popadom afterwards?
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