ET, IT, OTT and Other "Things".

Some people are never satisfied. They're never happy.

Take for instance singer Mila Jam.

Mila was actually born Jamihla Adderley but THE YOUNGSTER WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT! So, a name change was a must.

Also, Mila was born a boy but, of course, HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT! So, he became a she by "changing gender", would that such a thing were realistically possible. 

Next, as Mila strutted around brandishing the label "transgender woman", people stopped referring to the singer as "him" and switched instead to "her" but guess what?........ MILA WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT!

No, she now didn't "identify" as being EITHER a man OR a woman! She and others of the same persuasion insisted they were "non-binary". Neither one thing nor t'other.

So, MILA insisted on being referred to in the third person. To underline the point, and to supposedly give the indeterminate crowd a hit to which they could relate, the singer covered The Weather Girls' disco anthem It's Raining Men...but reworded and retitled It's Raining Them.

With head in hand and eyes bleeding I put pen to paper:

Dear Mila,

I was surprised to hear that as "non-binary" you do not identify with the pronouns "he" or "she" and insist instead on being spoken about in the third person. You do realise the relevant pronoun is "it"? Are you REALLY happy being referred to as an "it"?

Also, your reasoning for ruining The Weather Girls' classic It's Raining Men with the remake It's Raining Them is that it gives non-binaries and others in the LGBTQ community something to which they can relate. Are you seriously suggesting that men can't relate to Respect by Aretha Franklin or Jolene by Dolly Parton? Similarly, are My Boomerang Won't Come Back by Charlie Drake or My Old Man's a Dustman by Lonnie Donegan beyond the empathy of women?

Do you intend taking this revision of music history any further in your crusade to make music relevant to everyone? If so, why not make the following cover versions?

Long Tall Person.

The Ballad of Person A and Person B.

Hey It.

Big Bad Person C.

Call Me It.

Come On Whoever.

My Best Friend's Thing.

Brown Eyed Doings.

In the meantime, is there any chance you could help me bitchumenise my shed roof as you appear to have more than enough time on your hands?

Kind regards,

Reg.

A Letter To No-One.

So, world leaders have agreed a basic rate of business tax of at least 15 per cent.

Well, whoop-de-ay! While us plebs here fork out an absolute minimum of 20 per cent to keep the cogs turning the multi-billion-pound corporate giants are finall forced to cough up - less than us, proportionately!

Ok, it's a start but what about threatening leaders of the Caymen Islands, British Virgin Islands, Bermuda and the Bahamas etc with invasion and subsequent jailing for fucking over the rest of us for all these years?

If we can invade Afghanistan and Iraq to overturn sick regimes then why not those bastards?

Business tax HAS to be higher than basic income tax! - ability to pay and all that.

As it is, we've got corporate gluttons concentrating on gigantic vanity projects by jetting off into space while the rest of us scramble for scraps. Fuck 'em!

Zuckerberg, Gates, Murdoch, Bezos, Musk and Buffet et al have GOT to cough up like the rest of us.

Joe Biden has put a marker down. His tax hikes for the top 1% of the richest will raise.......wait for it.......$1.5 TRILLION.

See? It can be done. Now, Johnson, pull your finger out of your voluminous ass and get the hyper-rich here to contribute their fair share!

Two Things It Ain't!

Prince Andrew is seeking to get a civil lawsuit against him in New York thrown out after branding it "baseless" and "frivilous".

Dear Prince Andrew,

I'm not sure if the court filings to the judge overseeing your case in New York are entirely the work of your lawyers or if you've had a say in the wording but there are a couple of points to note.

Firstly, to describe the allegations against you as "baseless" is a tad disingenuous. Key to your assertion is that you claim to have no recollection of ever having met your accuser, Ms Guiffre. Well, that was blown out of the water somewhat by her production of a photo of the two of you together, you with your arm around her

Secondly, you call Ms Guiffre's case "frivilous".  She claims you abused her and forced her to have sex when she was underage and you regard that as frivilous? I'm not sure what qualifies as "serious" in your book but I think those accusations do in the one the rest of us read.

I thought you would welcome the chance to give evidence in person to clear your name? You did such a good job of it in your television interview.

Regards,

Reg.

Back Again, By Unpopular Demand.....

So, sex pest MP Rob Roberts has been allowed back into the Tory Party, even though he will have to sit in the Commons as an independent for a few more weeks yet.

The not-so-honourable member for Delyn, North Wales, had been suspended from his party AND the Parliament for sexually harassing a member of his staff.

The former employee claimed Roberts repeatedly propositioned him and turned the blame on him, having asked him to be "less alluring".

If this odious creature had not been an MP but a worker at Sainsbury's or Homebase do you think he would now be returning to work after a ticking off? Not bloody likely!

He would have been looking in vain for another job, like all other sex pests caught out using their position to harass others.

Then again, this IS the Conservative Party:

Dear nephew of Camilla Parker Bowles and Conservative Party Co-Chairman Ben Elliot,

So, Rob Roberts is welcome back among you having sexually harassed a member of his staff?

No hard feelings, let's let bygones be bygones?

I am interested to hear what it takes to actually be expelled from the Conservative Party? Sexually abusing goats - live on tv? Failing to blood children properly after a fox hunt? Refusing to launder the proceeds of eastern European crime? Passing the port the wrong way?

Do tell.

Regards, 

Reg.

N.B. I have tried repearedly to find a contact for this unelected knob but he is apparently uncontactable, unless you want to give the Tories money, and hates anyone else, particularly oiky plebs, trying to talk to him!

Dumb Headlines No. 2,457.

BBC NEWS: "Agoraphobia Can Make You A Prisoner In Your Own Home."

Next week:

"Claustrophobia Makes the Airing Cupboard a No-Go Zone."

"Cleptomania Got Me Barred Me From the Antiques Roadshow."

"Hydrophobia Stopped Me Winning Gold in the Olympics 100m Freestyle."

"Cynophobia Ruined My Day at Crufts."

Trump Gets Stung.

Donald Trump is arguably the world's most prominent believer in the whole Covid thing being a lie and that efforts to contain or defeat it are moves by Big Brother governments to control the minds of their people.

I am one of a worldwide army of people who, however, progressed beyond Janet and John Learn Science to realise Trump was an imbecile and an uneducated, narcissistic moron. Now at last we have SCIENTIFIC proof that we are right! 

An international team, including UCL and experts at the University of Sassari in Italy, has found that honeybees use social distancing to protect their colonies when they are under attack from deadly parasites.

https://phys.org/news/2021-10-honeybees-social-distancing-parasites.html

Dear Donald,

Bad news I'm afraid. You know how you think social distancing is bunkum and not needed, especially as Covid is no worse than a heavy cold?

Well, joining those who say you are a brain damaged bozo are now honeybees. Yes, looks like you've lost the buzz vote. You see, even they have worked out that social distancing helps fight nastiness.

A honeybee has a brain about the size of a pinhead and for them to reach this conclusion I'm afraid doesn't say much for your cerebral capacity.

If I were you I would stay schtum for a while and carry on making honey - if there's anyone there to help you?

Regards,

Reg.

Little Mix Up, Surely?

From the burgeoning files on the So Fucking What! shelf comes the laughably branded "news" that Little Mix star (Really? Ed) Jesy Nelson no longer talks to her former bandmates.

This bombshell, dropped on that hard news conduit The Graham Norton Show, was picked up by Sky News, among others.

Ms Nelson can't be held responsible for this being taken up by media outlets. She is just relating mind-numbingly inane tittle tattle on a talk show. The villains are those organisations which see this as "news".

Dear Sky News,

So, Jesy Nelson and her former Little Mix mob don't talk to each other anymore and this is news is it?

Well, having set the bar virtually below ground, why haven't we been told whether or not Ms Nelson prefers poached eggs to fried? What about having a bowel movement? Does she take a newspaper in there with her or is she an in-dump-and-out merchant?

We are still in the dark as to whether she gets on with the woman at the post office and does she think Monopoly lost the plot when they replaced wooden houses with plastic?

If you're short of news for tomorrow, I can exclusively reveal that I intend to take the dogs out for a walk and make toad-in-the-hole for dinner.

Never fear, there's loads more where this comes from.

Regards,

Reg.

Go On, Make It A Stay-At-Home Sunday - Please?

With the most crucial meeting of world leaders in the history of this planet scheduled to start in Glasgow this weekend, commentators on BBC News are asking: "Has Boris Johnson got what it takes to get a deal?"

Well, put simply..............NO! NO, NO AND THRICE NO!!! A remedial, autistic monkey with dementia would be more effective!

The UK, unbelievably and laughably "led" by Johnson, will be joint president of the United Nations jamboree on Sunday - presumably because Timmy Mallet and Jimmy Clitheroe were otherwise unavailable. 

An indication as to Johnson's credibility for the title "Saviour of the World" is that he chose Glasgow in the hope that thousands of fluttering Union Jacks would crush the spirits and voting intentions of those who want Scottish independence - seriously!

Starting out with such petty intentions doesn't really augur well, or maybe it's just me.

Putting such a vital conference in the hands of Johnson might also be just the teensiest, weensiest mistake because, after all, he can't even remember how many kids he's got!

Don't forget, this is the man who:

1. Told business leaders Libya would become a magnet for tourists if they could "clear the dead bodies away".

2. Oversaw the drafting and signing of an "oven-ready" Brexit deal which turned out to be about as oven-ready as the frozen dick of a rabid dog.

3. Lied about a four-year affair with Petronella Wyatt, even though her mother confirmed it and said the journalist had an abortion as a result.

4. Helped get journalist Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe banged up by the Iranians by saying she had been teaching journalism in their country - so buggering up her defence that she had been on holiday.

5. Said the Queen liked touring the Commonwealth because she was always greeted by picaninnies with water melon smiles.

6. Lied that the NHS would benefit by £350 million-a-week if the UK left the EU - all the time KNOWING THAT WAS A LIE!

7. Falsely claimed Turkey was joining the EU then lied that he had ever made the claim.

8. Pissed £43 million of public money up the wall with his eventually scrapped Garden Bridge over the Thames.

9. Blew £322,000 on second hand water cannons which turned out to be illegal and so were left to rust.

10. Showed his support for inclusion and homosexuals by referring to gays as "tank-topped bum boys".

11. Cosied up to Trump while calling him "unfit to rule" (takes one to know one! Coming from Johnson that is surely the biggest insult Trump has ever taken).

12. Fostered great national, international and cultural relations by branding the French "turds", comparing the EU to Hitler, making up a story Italians had small dicks (seriously!), calling Hilary Clinton a "sadistic mental health nurse", reciting a colonial-era poem in Myanmar, boasting about whisky in a Sikh temple, penning a dirty limerick about Turkey's president and a goat, blaming Liverpool fans for Hillsborough and accusing them of "wallowing in victim status" and managing to piss off the whole of Papua New Guinea by referring to them as having enjoyed "orgies of cannabalism".

The list goes on......and on and on.

There are two ways of looking at this.

A. He's a nightclub comic - Oh fnaar, fnaar! He's such a card is Boris. He's done it again. God bless him.

Or

B. He's the Prime Minister - What? He did fucking what?? The man is a sodding moron! He's supposed to be running the country. He couldn't run a fucking bath! Please God, stop him NOW! The whole country is going to go down the pan!

Bit of a clue here - HE'S THE FUCKING PRIME MINISTER!

It's bad enough that three of the world's biggest polluters aren't going to attend COP26 (China, Russia and Brazil). Putting Johnson in overall charge is about as good an idea as Gary Glitter opening a creche.

Dear Mr Johnson,

I thought you ought to know that Norwich are playing Leeds on Sunday. Kick-off is 2pm and it promises to be a great game. I really, REALLY think you should GO AND WATCH IT!

Failing that, Villa take on West Ham at 4.30pm. The clash of the claret and blues. Bound to be a big scrap. I can get you a ticket?

If that doesn't take your fancy, there is the Swingers "Dead Famous Disco" Hallowe'en Boogie Woogie at the Riverside, Newcastle, on Sunday. Sure to be loads of spare.

Failing that, The Levellers will be on at Bedford Park, Bedford. Let's party 'til we puke?

Whatever you're thinking of doing on Sunday, DON'T go to Scotland - it's closed - and especially DON'T go to Glasgow - there's an anthrax alert on there or something.

Hoping to meet you south of the border,

Reg.

Lawyers - Where Would We Be Without Them?

Apropos nothing, and no letter arising, legal documents have revealed the gun given to Alec Baldwin on the set of Rust (with which he accidentally shot and killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins) .......... "wasn't thoroughly checked beforehand".

                            D'YA THINK??????

What next?

"Kennedy would have been better off touring Dallas with the roof up"?

"Rod Hull should have rung an aerial engineer"?

"John Lennon shouldn't have signed autographs"?

"Lincoln would have been wiser going bowling"?

Happy Days Are Here Again.

Dear Lord Frost,

As Brexit minister you must be feeling very proud right now, and rightly so.

During your campaign to take the UK out of the EU you promised to regain our sovereignty and you have delivered on that pledge.

As a member of the EU it was impossible for us to go to war with any European country as we were all, in effect, ONE big country.

Now, as we sail off into the sunset, one of your first acts has been to go to war with France, something Brexiteers have been deprived of for 206 years!

Yes, Waterloo is back on over fishing rights, with the French imposing crackdowns on a number of fronts and us summoning the French ambassador to give him a jolly good ticking off.

Elsewhere, a real wartime spirit has returned with food shelves half empty and petrol at a premium. Yes, there's war in Europe, there are shortages - the good old days are back at last. The Troubles in Northern Ireland could also reignite to complete that feeling of nostalgia and it's all down to you and Brexit!

Keep on screwing everything up.

Regards,

Reg.

What's In A Name?

So, it's goodbye Facebook and hello Meta.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

Rebranding as Meta is a brilliant move. How awkward it would have been to ban murderous, insane and sick nutters from posting on your social media platform.

By simply changing its name instead no-one will now associate your company with the fermentation of violence, Moslem fundamentalism, right wing extremism, anti-democracy cults and the luring of children into sexual abuse, even murder: "Oh, that was Facebook, not Meta. Ooh look! A mini-pineapple! Yummy! To think, they used to call them hand grenades."

If only others had adopted your progressive marketing strategy who knows how different their legacies would have been.

Adolf Hitler would have been seen as a much more fun guy had he changed his name to Adrian Hiller.

Images of lynchings and burning crosses would be things of the past if only the Ku Klux Klan would rebrand as the Lulu Gang.

There are so many others who similarly missed a trick. The Boston Juggler, Ted Grundy, Eddie Amin and Jack the Kipper? Would that they had your giant marketing machine.

I don't know what the unpleasant version of "a rose, is a rose, is a rose" is but it seems to be missing from your mindset.

Still, carry on the awful work,

Reg.

At Least The Train Robbers Wore Hoods!

So, the Budget was supposedly a great give-away, with billions for public sector workers, the health service, social care, the police, tackling neighbourhood crime and prison building etc, etc, etc.

The tiny fly in this generous healing ointment is that the Tory Government is only GIVING BACK PART of the billions and billions it took away from services during its spiffing ten-year "austerity" programme.

It reminded me of a parallel of which I thought Chancellor Rishi Sunak needed to be made aware:

Dear Mr Sunak,

Your Budget reminded me of a little kerfuffle 58 years ago.

A gang hijacked a mail train and escaped with £2.6 million, £55 million at today's value.

The Post Office/The Queen/Us were subsequently handed back less than £400,000 of the missing cash. This recovery received slightly less glowing praise than did your Budget handouts, I seem to recall.

Try hard and you just might be able to compare the Great Train Robbery to your party's ten years of austerity cuts and your Budget to the recovery of the paltry amount of the money stolen? Where are our still missing billions?

As for who is coshed train driver Jack Mills in this analogy, I will let you draw the obvious conclusion.

I would like to remind you that the ringleaders of the robbery were each jailed for 30 years but, doubtless as a result of your cuts to the criminal justice system, no Tories are likely to be locked up for taking so much from the electorate.

Maybe an extended holiday in Mexico is on the cards for you, Boris and the boys (and girls)?

Kind regards,

Reg.

Shorts Are Not The Only Things That Don't Matter.

Australian footballer Josh Cavallo has come out and announced to the world that he is gay.

The 21-year-old, who plays for Adelaide United (yeah, you'd wondered where you'd heard his name before), said he was tired of living a lie.

Wanna know something? I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass whether he penetrates women vaginally or sticks his penis up men's bottoms! Quite what that's that got to do with his ability to execute a quick one-two round an overlapping halfback I'm not sure. As the great Mr Dainty said of shorts, they're nothing to do with bloody football - or anything else for that matter!

https://youtu.be/lpuJBtcMMp8

Whether he screwed the shit out of a sheila or a Shaun the night before is nowt to me. You don't see people going round shouting "I hate eggs!", "I'm In the Tufty Club!" or "I think Morse is crap!" The reason? They're not important and no-one cares anyway!

I think it's just an obsession of media types. They can then run follow-ups about "My struggle being a badger", "I was suicidal because of my love of dressing up as a Japanese admiral" and "There just aren't enough people in management at the Post Office who are frog-transitioned".

It also gives journos the chance to scream "homophobe!", "sexist pig!" or "Fascist!" at anyone who says they don't identify others by their sexuality.

Commentators (not football!) automatically assume anyone who doesn't toe the "what a brave, oppressed soul" line must be against the given sexuality, never that they simply couldn't give a shit!

Just shut up about your sexuality or the sexuality of others will you! You're the only ones who fucking (pun intended) care!

Dear Josh,

I have to say I was totally uninterested to hear you have announced that you are homosexual.

I don't feel the need to tell everyone I'm heterosexual. My mate Colin doesnt go round telling everyone he bends both ways. Audrey down the road has never felt compelled to proclaim in Sainsbury's that she's a lesbian.

Do you get the idea? Not only is it of no relevance or importance, it is of no interest. Anyone who regards sexuality as a good way of defining someone is a shallow, misguided fool.

All the same, congratulations on having a recognisable sexuality. Welcome to the world. Now, play football.

Kindest regards,

Reg.

Go Henry? Not Quite. Go Away Henry!

Oh dear lordy, lordy! Stop the world, this is my station.

I've just seen an advert on the Devil's Lantern - during kids' teatime TV of course - for Go Henry, a pre-paid debit card for children!

The providers claim it will get youngsters used to budgeting their pocket money and using plastic to pay. What could possibly go wrong?

It's obviously all part of a not-so-secret campaign by our financial institutions to eradicate cash and get everyone on cards so they can be monitored closely and enticed into debt - THE REAL money spinner for the finance industry.

"Get 'em while they're young!" seems to be the mantra - you know, the one Hitler endorsed?

A hint as to the aim of the card is that it is not licensed by Mothercare or Janet and John but by Visa! A letter was called for:

Dear Visa,

Just a couple of points about the Go Henry pre-paid debit card you have licensed and which it is claimed will enable kids to learn to manage their pocket money.

Firstly, when I was in short trousers I used to get £5-a-week pocket money and it was invariably spent almost immediately, in one go, usually on Airfix models, football stickers, the Buster comic and 20 Woodbine.

I can't ever recall "budgeting" and saving up my pocket money (loading up a debit card?) to buy a new record player, Nottingham Forest season ticket or holiday in Disneyland. Pocket money don't work like that.

Admit it, you just want to sucker toddlers into using plastic so they can make a seemless transition later on to your credit cards and get in debt up to their pre-pubescent peepers?

It's a missed market, isn't it? Students have been sold to the banks and you've already got the rest of us in your pockets.

If you are prepared to stoop this low might I suggest some other products you could license to prepare children for adulthood? 

How about Go Henry's Hair - a lotion they could rub on to make them go bald?

Go Henry's Teeth - self explanatory. Probably a special toothpaste?

Go Henry's Waist - a series of injections which make them put on 10 stone overnight and kiss goodbye to views looking down of their nascent genitals.

Go Henry's Disposable Income - a range of mortgages and pretend children designed to drain them of cash for the rest of their lives.

Go Henry's Memory - tablets designed to make them forget why they came into a room in the first place.

Go Henry's Sphincter - an aromatic oil which ensures they are plagued by dripping genitals, particularly when wearing Go Henry White Trousers.

And finally........

Go Henry's Will To Live and Faith In People - again self explanatory. Perhaps a set of educational CDs?

If any of the above would pose licensing problems you could just let kids grow up in their own good time?

Why rob children of their childhoods? It's all they have.

Your thoughts?

Reg.

Private Poison, Public Pain.

 

A mass of Tory MPs (collective noun "a trough"? Ed) voted to stop a legislative amendment which would have prohibited the dumping of raw sewage into our water system.

When it was ever LEGAL for water companies to poison the public is unclear but the Conservatives had an oven-ready response for why they didn't want to rock the boat, metaphorically speaking.

"It would cost £660 billion to upgrade our Victorian sewer system to stop all storm overflows overnight," the 265 nay-sayers oinked as one.

Well, firstly, where the fuck they got that figure from no-one knows!

Secondly, it is implied the supposedly unaffordable bill would have to be met by us, Joe and Joanne Taxpayer. Oh no. Oh dear me no. Time for another letter to George Eustice, our Secretary of State for the Environment (and Food and Rural Affairs):

Dear George,

I hope you don't mind the informality but I feel we know each other. Yes, it's Reg again.

This supposed £660 billion for upgrading our sewers to stop the discharge of raw sewage into our watercourses? The estimate wasn't drawn up by my builder was it? (Nobbit, Bodgit and Leggit).

Whatever, you seem to imply that the invoice would be payable by us, the poor saps who pay your wages and every other public bill come to that.

To borrow a phrase popular these days with our splendid youth - "Shurely shome mishtake?" We are not the ones pumping crap into our water supplies! Believe me, if it was me I would stop it immediately! No need to enact new legislation. Actually, the law already exists which would see me jailed or at least fined more than I have ever earned in my life! Somehow it seems to exclude water companies?

No, the thing is it is the privatised water companies who are doing this. Now, I'm no legal expert as you know but isn't the bill for stopping the old shit-down-the-chute problem consequently payable by those companies?

I know your government has a novel approach to the public-private sector business models - i.e. "Makes money?" = give it to our mates/private outfits, "loses money?" = let the taxpayer foot the bill - but I really think you need to go against your own policy flow here (see what I did there?).

If you make the water companies responsible for not killing the public anymore - Tsk. Whatever next? - I think you will find that estimate for refurbishment will come down a tad. The firms will then be able to say they have fully met the bill for safeguarding customers by splashing out (I'm at it again) the £36.75 estimated for the work by Messrs N B and L.

I would be intrigued to know your thoughts.

TTFN,

Reg.

P.S. Within 24 hours of this letter the Government did a U-turn and decided to impose legal restraints on water companies dumping raw sewage.

The change of heart happened after metaphorical mobs of constituents bearing flaming torches and pitchforks rounded on the Tory MPs.