Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In....and In, and In.....

Dear Environment Secretary George Eustice, 

Let me see if I've got this right?

1. Continued increases in global temperatures will melt the ice caps, drowning us, and screw up finely balanced ecosystems, starving, boiling or dehydrating us?

2. Temperature increases are caused by mounting levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere?

3. Human beings inhale the gaseous mix which is air but breathe out mainly carbon dioxide?

4. World leaders, celebrities and the rich are at the forefront of those particularly keen to let us know they will do everything they can to help combat climate change?

So far, so good? Ok, here's the plan. We all chip in, say £1 each, to hire Wembley Stadium for as long as the money lasts.

We then invite along a carefully selected list of guests. Far be it from me to dictate the admissions but might I suggest they include:

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Tony Blair, Lord Frost, Peter Mandelson, Eric Pickles, Michael Gove, Andy Peters, "Call Me Sir" Ben Kingsley, Ronaldo,

Timmy Mallet, Piers Morgan and anyone genetically linked to him, Jim Davidson, Tommy Robinson, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, anyone who has ever appeared in a musical, Leeds United, Ronald McDonald, 

"Grandad" singers St Winifred's School Choir, that porky "I'm only six, you figure it out" kid off the tv climate change advert, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, all bank CEOs, the woman at my post office, the team behind the "Bish, Bash, Bosh It" Lifebuoy advert, Robbie Savage, Martin Keown, 

Jonathan "I commentate like a kid playing on a park" Pearce, Danny "whining Scouser" Murphy.........and anyone who has ever said "lover her or hate her, Mrs Thatcher was a good Prime Minister".

Once assembled at Wembley the exits should be locked and then everyone inside ORDERED NOT TO BREATHE OUT!

Not only would the nation's carbon dioxide emissions plummet, think of all that hot air removed from the atmosphere as well! It's a belter!

Waddy'a think?

Reg.