Competition Time.

Which of the following famous people attending a crucial summit on climate change held during a pandemis is:

A. Not wearing a facemask?

B. Asleep?

Makes you proud to be British eh?

Photo of the Day.

I am almost ashamed to post this and yes, it IS totally lacking in humanity or empathy but I just couldn't resist it.

This is the photo used to head up a BBC report on climate change. I'm sorry, but it's his face - and his arms, resolutely by his side! It's Pythonesque. I couldn't stop imagining speech bubbles like:

"Well, that's fucked it!"
Or

"Don't ask!"

Or

"So much for the fucking barbecue"

Or

"Not a word! Not a single bloody word!"

Or

"Ever had one of those days?"

Or just 

"Mwa, wa, waaaaah!"

If It Ain't Broke, Fix It.

A cross-party committee of MPs (yes, Labour AND Conservatives) working for the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards conducted a two-year investigation into the activities of North Shrophire Tory MP Owen Paterson and concluded he had breached rules and should be suspended from the House of Commons.

Paterson had "repeatedly used his privileged position to benefit two companies for which he acted as a paid consultant".

So far, so bad.

Trouble is, when the Tories are in charge they ignore such rulings, witness their bullying Home Secretary, Not-so-Priti Patel. In Paterson's case, however, they are going the extra mile towards Fascism by wanting to change the rules and re-run the investigation until they get the result they want!

Hasn't anyone read Animal Farm? What the hell does it take to get these sleeze merchants booted out of office? Where is the opposition? Where is Sir Keir bloody Starmer?

Spearheading moves to change the goalposts and get greedy Paterson not only back in Parliament but exonerated is right wing loonbag MP and Brexiteer extraodinaire Andrea Leadsom.

Dear Ms Leadsom,

I understand that it was a tad embarrassing when your party pal Owen Paterson was caught out accepting payment for repeatedly trying to benefit two companies.

Likewise, I have to admit it was a tad embarrassing when I discovered my hair was falling out, my teeth were doing the same, I had achieved the specific mass of a black hole and these inconveniences made me, at best, a distant outsider for a spot on Love Island.

Thing is, I accepted it. I did not insist on a change to programming criteria whereby only bald, toothless, fat men were allowed to appear on reality TV shows.

You, on the other hand, seek to ignore the existing rules and instead get them changed until you achieve the outcome you desire. In this instance, you want feathering one's own nest to give certain firms an advantage by using your privileged position to be an acceptable standard of behaviour for MPs. It is not clear yet whether you want to make it compulsory?

What next? Scrapping the tiresome business of General Elections? How about just re-running General Elections until you win? 

Then there is that annoying malarky of votes on legislation in the House. Wouldn't it be far better if the lobby against the Government was barred and bolted before the vote was taken?

In the meantime, might I suggest you do a few things:

1. Read Animal Farm by Eric Arthur Blair (no, nothing to do with your hero Tony).

2. When you've finished colouring that in read The Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt.

3. Look up the word "standards".

4. Realise that you have been fundamentally wrong all your life and resign.

Hoping this helps,

Reg.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In....and In, and In.....

Dear Environment Secretary George Eustice, 

Let me see if I've got this right?

1. Continued increases in global temperatures will melt the ice caps, drowning us, and screw up finely balanced ecosystems, starving, boiling or dehydrating us?

2. Temperature increases are caused by mounting levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere?

3. Human beings inhale the gaseous mix which is air but breathe out mainly carbon dioxide?

4. World leaders, celebrities and the rich are at the forefront of those particularly keen to let us know they will do everything they can to help combat climate change?

So far, so good? Ok, here's the plan. We all chip in, say £1 each, to hire Wembley Stadium for as long as the money lasts.

We then invite along a carefully selected list of guests. Far be it from me to dictate the admissions but might I suggest they include:

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Tony Blair, Lord Frost, Peter Mandelson, Eric Pickles, Michael Gove, Andy Peters, "Call Me Sir" Ben Kingsley, Ronaldo,

Timmy Mallet, Piers Morgan and anyone genetically linked to him, Jim Davidson, Tommy Robinson, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, anyone who has ever appeared in a musical, Leeds United, Ronald McDonald, 

"Grandad" singers St Winifred's School Choir, that porky "I'm only six, you figure it out" kid off the tv climate change advert, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, all bank CEOs, the woman at my post office, the team behind the "Bish, Bash, Bosh It" Lifebuoy advert, Robbie Savage, Martin Keown, 

Jonathan "I commentate like a kid playing on a park" Pearce, Danny "whining Scouser" Murphy.........and anyone who has ever said "lover her or hate her, Mrs Thatcher was a good Prime Minister".

Once assembled at Wembley the exits should be locked and then everyone inside ORDERED NOT TO BREATHE OUT!

Not only would the nation's carbon dioxide emissions plummet, think of all that hot air removed from the atmosphere as well! It's a belter!

Waddy'a think?

Reg.

Some Flu Over the Chicken's Nest.

With bird flu having broken out among poultry in Wrexham we need to ask:

1. How do you get chickens to socially distance?

2. Will hens wear facemasks?

3. What will Bill Gates do once he's got control of birds' brains through vaccinations? 

4. How will the RSPB cope with the demand for beds?

Dear George Eustice,

.............

When The Cuddling Stops and The Killing Begins.

Another childhood illusion shattered!

It has been revealed that The Wombles are collaborating with Paul McCartney to bolster his Meat Free Monday campaign.

The Wimbledon scavengers have teamed up with Macca to produce two "family friendly, plant-based recipes".

This has come as a real shock to me! Why? Because The Wombles are backing Meat Free Monday? No! Because that implies they eat meat the rest of the week!

I always assumed the boys and girls living overground and underground, Wombling free on Wimbledon Common, existed on a diet of leaves, grass, nuts, fruit and other such green goodies. To learn that they have a taste for red meat is truly disturbing.

Has Uncle Bulgaria been hauling unsuspecting walkers down his burrow to be torn limb from limb all these years? Have dog walkers lost their precious pets to Orinoco and his endless thirst for blood? Has Madame Cholet been using Jeffrey Dahmer's cookbook to satisfy the insatiable hunger of her carniverous kids?

As for recycling, exactly what have they been turning into what? Put it this way, I wouldn't buy a lampshade off them if I was you!

Quotes of the Day.

 

Fine words butter no parsnips. (My granny).

Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity - and I'm not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein).

My Deadline's Bigger Than Your Deadline - So There!

Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has given France 48 hours to back down over the cross-Channel fishing rights dispute.

Dear Ms Truss,

This 48-hour deadline of yours. Couple of things.

Firstly, France gave the UK a 24-HOUR DEADLINE to back down in the row over the UK's issuing of fishing licences. That kinda makes your deadline somewhat irrelevant, doesn't it? According to my time keeping, they will officially NOT have backed down and doubtless have introduced sanctions a full day BEFORE your deadline for them back down and not introduce sanctions expires? D'ya see the problem?

Secondly, back down or what? Or else we will escalate a currently fledgling trade war between the UK and France? Good idea! "If you don't stop threatening me with that knife I'm going to kill myself!"

My understanding of the dispute is that the UK stands accused of abiding by the letter of its Brexit agreement but not by its spirit, deliberately dragging its heels over the processing of licences for French fishermen? 

If true, and evidence suggests it is, that's a bit childish isn't it? "Ok, ok, ok. I WILL open the gate for you as agreed - one inch, two inches, three inches, four inches......naa-naa-na-naa-na! I win!"

Wanna know how to solve this dispute in an instant? - AND eradicate the Northern Ireland border row AND get our shelves fully stocked again AND rescue our farmers from bankruptcy AND get lorry drivers back AND save thousands of companies by restoring free trade etc? HAVE ANOTHER REFERENDUM!  SCRAP BREXIT!

"Oh, but the people have spoken." Have they? Have they really?

1. Only just! A majority of 3.78 per cent! Hardly a cast iron mandate. Besides, the people also spoke in 1975, to join the then Common Market. Does the voice of the people then not count? "Oh, but things have changed a lot since then." Yeah, like they haven't changed since we came out of the EU!!

2. The vote was taken against a background of a torrent of lies told by your boss, Mr Johnson, and the Brexiteers.

3. It's only now the truth is evident and voters have the information they need to make an informed decision. They didn't then.

Wanna know what the result will be? The people will speak again and say: "Brexit is a disaster! We need to be in the EU" - and by way more than 3.78 per cent!

Are you worried Referendum 2 would be damaging politically and not only show the Tories are indecisive but that their leader is a liar? 

Oh come on! Your government has already done more U-turns than a U-turny thing and Johnson has shown time and time again that he and the truth are on different planets.

Think on and look sharp!

Reg.

The King is Dead, Long Live the Pud!

The boss who oversaw one of the greatest inventions in the history of humankind has died, aged 93 - and virtually no-one has ever heard of him!

The man? Ado Campeol.

The invention? Tiramisu.

Yes, the most fantastic foodstuff in the history of the universe was first created in 1972 in the kitchen of Ado's Alle Beccherie restaurant in Treviso, northern Italy, by his wife Alba and chef Roberto Linguanotto.

The family business was eventually sold in 2014.

Alla tenuta di Ado Campeol,
Mi è dispiaciuto tanto sapere della scomparsa del signor Campeol. Voglia accettare le mie sincere condoglianze.

Ciò detto, devo a lui, alla signora Campeol e al signor Linguanotto un debito di grazie che è impossibile esprimere con precisione.

Grazie per il tiramisù. Grazie, grazie, grazie! È il dolce più buono del mondo!

Cordiali saluti,

Reg Pither,

Wolverhampton,

Inghilterra.

Or.......

To The Estate of Ado Campeol,

I was so sorry to hear of the passing of Signor Campeol. Please accept my sincere condolences.

That said, I owe him, Signora Campeol and Signor Linguanotto I debt of thanks it is impossible to accurately convey.

Thank you for Tiramisu. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is the finest dessert in the world!

Warm regards,

Reg Pither,

Wolverhampton,

England.

Hurrah for Bulls! Only 47,349,999 Spaniards to Go.

So, a 55-year-old man bled to death after being gored at a bull running festival in Spain.

Dear Spanish Ambassador,

I gather a man was gored to death in the bull running festival in Onda? Well, that makes it Terrified, Chased, Doomed Animals 1 - Bloodthirsty, Backward, Bullying Retards 23,678,937. Forgive me for a lack of sympathy for the dead man's family but look at it from our point of view - that's one less vile animal abuser for the bulls to worry about.

What disgusting, archaic, barbaric and uncivilised practices bull running and bull fighting are! They are so sick even half of your own people want them banned!

If they are supposedly demonstrations of manliness in your country then God help you if you ever get in a fight. "Men" like that would get beaten up by the Girl Guides over here.

Get this barbarism banned!

Reg.

ET, IT, OTT and Other "Things".

Some people are never satisfied. They're never happy.

Take for instance singer Mila Jam.

Mila was actually born Jamihla Adderley but THE YOUNGSTER WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT! So, a name change was a must.

Also, Mila was born a boy but, of course, HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT! So, he became a she by "changing gender", would that such a thing were realistically possible. 

Next, as Mila strutted around brandishing the label "transgender woman", people stopped referring to the singer as "him" and switched instead to "her" but guess what?........ MILA WASN'T HAPPY WITH THAT!

No, she now didn't "identify" as being EITHER a man OR a woman! She and others of the same persuasion insisted they were "non-binary". Neither one thing nor t'other.

So, MILA insisted on being referred to in the third person. To underline the point, and to supposedly give the indeterminate crowd a hit to which they could relate, the singer covered The Weather Girls' disco anthem It's Raining Men...but reworded and retitled It's Raining Them.

With head in hand and eyes bleeding I put pen to paper:

Dear Mila,

I was surprised to hear that as "non-binary" you do not identify with the pronouns "he" or "she" and insist instead on being spoken about in the third person. You do realise the relevant pronoun is "it"? Are you REALLY happy being referred to as an "it"?

Also, your reasoning for ruining The Weather Girls' classic It's Raining Men with the remake It's Raining Them is that it gives non-binaries and others in the LGBTQ community something to which they can relate. Are you seriously suggesting that men can't relate to Respect by Aretha Franklin or Jolene by Dolly Parton? Similarly, are My Boomerang Won't Come Back by Charlie Drake or My Old Man's a Dustman by Lonnie Donegan beyond the empathy of women?

Do you intend taking this revision of music history any further in your crusade to make music relevant to everyone? If so, why not make the following cover versions?

Long Tall Person.

The Ballad of Person A and Person B.

Hey It.

Big Bad Person C.

Call Me It.

Come On Whoever.

My Best Friend's Thing.

Brown Eyed Doings.

In the meantime, is there any chance you could help me bitchumenise my shed roof as you appear to have more than enough time on your hands?

Kind regards,

Reg.

A Letter To No-One.

So, world leaders have agreed a basic rate of business tax of at least 15 per cent.

Well, whoop-de-ay! While us plebs here fork out an absolute minimum of 20 per cent to keep the cogs turning the multi-billion-pound corporate giants are finall forced to cough up - less than us, proportionately!

Ok, it's a start but what about threatening leaders of the Caymen Islands, British Virgin Islands, Bermuda and the Bahamas etc with invasion and subsequent jailing for fucking over the rest of us for all these years?

If we can invade Afghanistan and Iraq to overturn sick regimes then why not those bastards?

Business tax HAS to be higher than basic income tax! - ability to pay and all that.

As it is, we've got corporate gluttons concentrating on gigantic vanity projects by jetting off into space while the rest of us scramble for scraps. Fuck 'em!

Zuckerberg, Gates, Murdoch, Bezos, Musk and Buffet et al have GOT to cough up like the rest of us.

Joe Biden has put a marker down. His tax hikes for the top 1% of the richest will raise.......wait for it.......$1.5 TRILLION.

See? It can be done. Now, Johnson, pull your finger out of your voluminous ass and get the hyper-rich here to contribute their fair share!

Two Things It Ain't!

Prince Andrew is seeking to get a civil lawsuit against him in New York thrown out after branding it "baseless" and "frivilous".

Dear Prince Andrew,

I'm not sure if the court filings to the judge overseeing your case in New York are entirely the work of your lawyers or if you've had a say in the wording but there are a couple of points to note.

Firstly, to describe the allegations against you as "baseless" is a tad disingenuous. Key to your assertion is that you claim to have no recollection of ever having met your accuser, Ms Guiffre. Well, that was blown out of the water somewhat by her production of a photo of the two of you together, you with your arm around her

Secondly, you call Ms Guiffre's case "frivilous".  She claims you abused her and forced her to have sex when she was underage and you regard that as frivilous? I'm not sure what qualifies as "serious" in your book but I think those accusations do in the one the rest of us read.

I thought you would welcome the chance to give evidence in person to clear your name? You did such a good job of it in your television interview.

Regards,

Reg.

Back Again, By Unpopular Demand.....

So, sex pest MP Rob Roberts has been allowed back into the Tory Party, even though he will have to sit in the Commons as an independent for a few more weeks yet.

The not-so-honourable member for Delyn, North Wales, had been suspended from his party AND the Parliament for sexually harassing a member of his staff.

The former employee claimed Roberts repeatedly propositioned him and turned the blame on him, having asked him to be "less alluring".

If this odious creature had not been an MP but a worker at Sainsbury's or Homebase do you think he would now be returning to work after a ticking off? Not bloody likely!

He would have been looking in vain for another job, like all other sex pests caught out using their position to harass others.

Then again, this IS the Conservative Party:

Dear nephew of Camilla Parker Bowles and Conservative Party Co-Chairman Ben Elliot,

So, Rob Roberts is welcome back among you having sexually harassed a member of his staff?

No hard feelings, let's let bygones be bygones?

I am interested to hear what it takes to actually be expelled from the Conservative Party? Sexually abusing goats - live on tv? Failing to blood children properly after a fox hunt? Refusing to launder the proceeds of eastern European crime? Passing the port the wrong way?

Do tell.

Regards, 

Reg.

N.B. I have tried repearedly to find a contact for this unelected knob but he is apparently uncontactable, unless you want to give the Tories money, and hates anyone else, particularly oiky plebs, trying to talk to him!

Dumb Headlines No. 2,457.

BBC NEWS: "Agoraphobia Can Make You A Prisoner In Your Own Home."

Next week:

"Claustrophobia Makes the Airing Cupboard a No-Go Zone."

"Cleptomania Got Me Barred Me From the Antiques Roadshow."

"Hydrophobia Stopped Me Winning Gold in the Olympics 100m Freestyle."

"Cynophobia Ruined My Day at Crufts."