We're All In It Together.

While the rest of us disappear down the financial toilet...........

http://news.sky.com/story/superyacht-sales-soar-thanks-to-pandemic-and-growing-numbers-of-billionaires-12463991

And that was a satire on Communism! 

What a wonderful world.

P.S. This is a yacht.

This isn't. It's what men with very small penises who have screwed over everybody they have ever met buy to try to compensate.

I'm Offended You're Offended!

 

Seriously, this is genuine!

This pre-programme warning nonsense on TV is bad enough to start with.

In my case, it's self-defeating because the moment I see a "Warning, this programme contains scenes which some viewers may find offensive" alert I AM offended! 

Jesus H Christ, I've actually seen these end-of-the-world-is-nigh proclamations before The Likely Lads and, wait for it, kids TV gameshow Runaround with Mike Reid!

How many times? YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO BE OFFENDED!

Likewise, is it absolutely necessary to warn the supposedly fragile viewing public that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Peter Sutcliffe - The Making of a Monster "contains scenes of blood and violence"? Oh really? I thought they would be comedy-musicals performed through the medium of modern dance? Fuck off!

My particular beef, however, centres on TV adverts by animal charities. They invariably carry footage and images of starving, cowering dogs, cats with arrows in their eyes, skin-and-bone, exhausted donkeys being whipped up hills, tigers dying in horrific traps, terrified bears being kept alone in tiny cages or orphaned rhinos trying to nuzzle up to their slaughtered, dismembered mothers.

I am a BIG animal lover and find such scenes very upsetting, a tad more so than fucking Mike Reid telling some pre-pubescent snotball he's "avin' a giraffe". Am I given a warning these horrifying REAL LIFE scenes of animal suffering are to follow? No! I just have to scramble for the remote to hit "mute" and then turn away from the telly!

I'm sure we don't need these scenes, or images of children starving to death, to learn that there are charities out there to help the sick, maimed, hungry and abused.

Oh, it's shock TV designed to spur people into action is it? Well, how come that's ok but a programme entitled "The Shocking Case of a Shocking Man Being Shocked to Death in an Electric Chair" requires a warning to prevent viewers being shocked by the content so fully detailed in the title?

I am legally obliged to preview this Blog with an "adult content" alert but that is only because I don't want some fucking bellend to be shocked when they learn a feed apparently about letter writing is in fact an anthology of abuse.

So, now you know.

Why Screw Up One Job When You Can Screw Up Two?

A cabinet minister has at last raised a figurative eyebrow over the habit of some MPs holding down "consultancy" jobs with outside companies in addition to their Parliamentary positions.

In a breathtaking understatement, Conservative Anne-Marie Trevelyan said it would be "wise" to revisit the issue of second jobs for members of the House.

Firstly, don't you love the way politicians talk? "Economical with the truth", "impression of wrongdoing", "lessons will be learnt" etc. 

Secondly, as for it being "wise" to look at MPs lining their pockets by taking money from us, the taxpayers, while working for profit-making outfits? - D'ya' think?

All of the jobs I've had involved working my testes off, often six and even seven days-a-week, frequently getting home very late and THEN being on-call or having to field phone calls connected to work in some way. I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO HAVE A SECOND JOB! The only way I would have been able to free up a few hours to earn extra dosh and benefit someone else would have been to forego ANY sleep and never have a bowel movement. That would have killed me in a matter of days!

For all my efforts, I earned little more than enough to buy bread, to keep me alive, to go back to work, to buy bread.........Your bog standard, MFI-type MP meanwhile "earns" £81,932-a-year, plus accommodation, travel and subsistence expenses! For that kind of money you'd expect them at least to regard it as a full-time fucking job!!!

If they are actually turning up to the House of Commons, going round and about to meet constituents, attending meetings, drafting reports and letters, taking up the plight of their disadvantaged voters and getting in a few hours shut-eye to stay alive then how the bleedin' hell are they finding time to hold down a second job?

The answer is THEY'RE NOT! They're skimping on the sodding job WE pay them to do because £81,000+ just isn't enough for them, the greedy bastards! They are devoting hours of OUR time to further enriching themselves and giving private firms a leg up in the world at the same time.

"Wise" to look at the practice again? Too bloody right! Like, BAN SECOND JOBS!!! Without even considering the slight matter of conflicts of interests, why should they have two when millions of voters don't have one!

Power is Their Only Principle.

Sir Keir Starmer went on national TV yesterday to launch a savage attack on Boris Johnson over his attempts to save sleazy Owen Paterson's Parliamentary skin by watering down the rules on standards. Starmer's headline-grabbing party piece was to demand our Acme-Joke Prime Minister apologise publicly to the nation over the affair.

Well, bravo! Here-here! I and I'm sure the majority of the country agree with Starmer on that but there is one tiny anti-flatulence tablet to take the wind out of his sails................IT'S TAKEN HIM FUCKING LONG ENOUGH!

The Committee on Standards' damning report on Paterson's sleazy activities was published almost two weeks ago! Where was the Opposition's knight in not-so-shining armour then? All over the box lambasting the Tories' continuing cash-for-questions shenanigans? Not on your codpiece!

Then, five days ago, Johnson orders his Tory troops to vote for an overhaul of the whole standards system with a view to getting Paterson off the naughty step and back into the fold. Did Starmer hit tilt then and demand pitchfork-brandishing hordes descend on Parliament to string up corrupt politicians? Our survey said....ah-arrrrrgh! 

No, what happens over the last fortnight is the poor schmucks who pay for all of them (that's "us". Ed) start screaming "enough is e-fucking-nough!" and only then does Starmer decide "Ah! There's votes in them thar ills".

All of a sudden he switches on the "outraged" button and wants us all to know this affair is disgusting and heads should roll.

You just know his army of spin doctors and strategic planners had, until then, been busy pouring over graphs, piecharts and Venn diagrams of marginal constituences until some Justin-type minced in with copies of the daily papers! "Seen this your sirship? I've had an idea."

Starmer's belated, insincere rage, coming as late as it did, not only reeks of pragmatism and not principle but also clearly illustrates why Johnson and his cohorts of incompetent, self-serving, greedy, insensitive, totally disconnected colleagues are still in power...............BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING EFFECTIVE OPPOSITION!!!!!

This is partly why the bitch Thatcher sat on the throne for so long! Labour then had Kinnock, a complete waste of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms if ever there was one!

Then Labour was all set to take charge under the stewardship of the great John Smith but he was tragically (in so many more ways than one) taken from us all and so which opportunistic, insincere, power-hungry shit stepped in? Yup, Tory Blair.

He got Labour elected by adopting the clever strategy of having Conservative ideals and policies. We got Labour spelled T.O.R.Y.

We haven't had an effective opposition to the right wing agenda for 40 years now! - and don't it show!

We're in a total mess but I can only say to the electorate "You get what you vote for".

Save The World! - Why?

Tsk! Kiddies can be mischievous little urchins, can't they?

I remember when I was alive, back in the '60s and '70s. Half term saw a rise in general naughtiness, with children ringing doorbells and running away, riding their bikes without lights at dusk and pilfering the pick-'n-mix at Woolies. Still, society managed somehow to survive.

Wind forward to 2021 and police were called to a retail park in Walsall where two cheeky, little rapscallions WERE THREATENING PEOPLE WITH A GUN (a toy, as it turned out) and carrying a large kitchen knife!

These two tiny bundles of fun were...........aged 10 and 11! Yes, that's 10 and 11!!.

We are told that they and two pals - aged 11 and 7 - yes, that's 7! - were escorted home by police who were going to have a word with their parents.

A chat with mummy and daddy? I know the law limits the options available for dealing with such micro-shits/future serial killers but maybe we should reassess - like locking the little bastards away for 25 years, during which time they undergo intense psychological therapy and electric shock treatment!

Dear Greta Thunberg,

This saving the planet business? Is it really worth it?

Regards,

Reg.

Competition Time.

Which of the following famous people attending a crucial summit on climate change held during a pandemis is:

A. Not wearing a facemask?

B. Asleep?

Makes you proud to be British eh?

Photo of the Day.

I am almost ashamed to post this and yes, it IS totally lacking in humanity or empathy but I just couldn't resist it.

This is the photo used to head up a BBC report on climate change. I'm sorry, but it's his face - and his arms, resolutely by his side! It's Pythonesque. I couldn't stop imagining speech bubbles like:

"Well, that's fucked it!"
Or

"Don't ask!"

Or

"So much for the fucking barbecue"

Or

"Not a word! Not a single bloody word!"

Or

"Ever had one of those days?"

Or just 

"Mwa, wa, waaaaah!"

If It Ain't Broke, Fix It.

A cross-party committee of MPs (yes, Labour AND Conservatives) working for the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards conducted a two-year investigation into the activities of North Shrophire Tory MP Owen Paterson and concluded he had breached rules and should be suspended from the House of Commons.

Paterson had "repeatedly used his privileged position to benefit two companies for which he acted as a paid consultant".

So far, so bad.

Trouble is, when the Tories are in charge they ignore such rulings, witness their bullying Home Secretary, Not-so-Priti Patel. In Paterson's case, however, they are going the extra mile towards Fascism by wanting to change the rules and re-run the investigation until they get the result they want!

Hasn't anyone read Animal Farm? What the hell does it take to get these sleeze merchants booted out of office? Where is the opposition? Where is Sir Keir bloody Starmer?

Spearheading moves to change the goalposts and get greedy Paterson not only back in Parliament but exonerated is right wing loonbag MP and Brexiteer extraodinaire Andrea Leadsom.

Dear Ms Leadsom,

I understand that it was a tad embarrassing when your party pal Owen Paterson was caught out accepting payment for repeatedly trying to benefit two companies.

Likewise, I have to admit it was a tad embarrassing when I discovered my hair was falling out, my teeth were doing the same, I had achieved the specific mass of a black hole and these inconveniences made me, at best, a distant outsider for a spot on Love Island.

Thing is, I accepted it. I did not insist on a change to programming criteria whereby only bald, toothless, fat men were allowed to appear on reality TV shows.

You, on the other hand, seek to ignore the existing rules and instead get them changed until you achieve the outcome you desire. In this instance, you want feathering one's own nest to give certain firms an advantage by using your privileged position to be an acceptable standard of behaviour for MPs. It is not clear yet whether you want to make it compulsory?

What next? Scrapping the tiresome business of General Elections? How about just re-running General Elections until you win? 

Then there is that annoying malarky of votes on legislation in the House. Wouldn't it be far better if the lobby against the Government was barred and bolted before the vote was taken?

In the meantime, might I suggest you do a few things:

1. Read Animal Farm by Eric Arthur Blair (no, nothing to do with your hero Tony).

2. When you've finished colouring that in read The Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt.

3. Look up the word "standards".

4. Realise that you have been fundamentally wrong all your life and resign.

Hoping this helps,

Reg.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In....and In, and In.....

Dear Environment Secretary George Eustice, 

Let me see if I've got this right?

1. Continued increases in global temperatures will melt the ice caps, drowning us, and screw up finely balanced ecosystems, starving, boiling or dehydrating us?

2. Temperature increases are caused by mounting levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere?

3. Human beings inhale the gaseous mix which is air but breathe out mainly carbon dioxide?

4. World leaders, celebrities and the rich are at the forefront of those particularly keen to let us know they will do everything they can to help combat climate change?

So far, so good? Ok, here's the plan. We all chip in, say £1 each, to hire Wembley Stadium for as long as the money lasts.

We then invite along a carefully selected list of guests. Far be it from me to dictate the admissions but might I suggest they include:

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Tony Blair, Lord Frost, Peter Mandelson, Eric Pickles, Michael Gove, Andy Peters, "Call Me Sir" Ben Kingsley, Ronaldo,

Timmy Mallet, Piers Morgan and anyone genetically linked to him, Jim Davidson, Tommy Robinson, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, anyone who has ever appeared in a musical, Leeds United, Ronald McDonald, 

"Grandad" singers St Winifred's School Choir, that porky "I'm only six, you figure it out" kid off the tv climate change advert, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, all bank CEOs, the woman at my post office, the team behind the "Bish, Bash, Bosh It" Lifebuoy advert, Robbie Savage, Martin Keown, 

Jonathan "I commentate like a kid playing on a park" Pearce, Danny "whining Scouser" Murphy.........and anyone who has ever said "lover her or hate her, Mrs Thatcher was a good Prime Minister".

Once assembled at Wembley the exits should be locked and then everyone inside ORDERED NOT TO BREATHE OUT!

Not only would the nation's carbon dioxide emissions plummet, think of all that hot air removed from the atmosphere as well! It's a belter!

Waddy'a think?

Reg.

Some Flu Over the Chicken's Nest.

With bird flu having broken out among poultry in Wrexham we need to ask:

1. How do you get chickens to socially distance?

2. Will hens wear facemasks?

3. What will Bill Gates do once he's got control of birds' brains through vaccinations? 

4. How will the RSPB cope with the demand for beds?

Dear George Eustice,

.............

When The Cuddling Stops and The Killing Begins.

Another childhood illusion shattered!

It has been revealed that The Wombles are collaborating with Paul McCartney to bolster his Meat Free Monday campaign.

The Wimbledon scavengers have teamed up with Macca to produce two "family friendly, plant-based recipes".

This has come as a real shock to me! Why? Because The Wombles are backing Meat Free Monday? No! Because that implies they eat meat the rest of the week!

I always assumed the boys and girls living overground and underground, Wombling free on Wimbledon Common, existed on a diet of leaves, grass, nuts, fruit and other such green goodies. To learn that they have a taste for red meat is truly disturbing.

Has Uncle Bulgaria been hauling unsuspecting walkers down his burrow to be torn limb from limb all these years? Have dog walkers lost their precious pets to Orinoco and his endless thirst for blood? Has Madame Cholet been using Jeffrey Dahmer's cookbook to satisfy the insatiable hunger of her carniverous kids?

As for recycling, exactly what have they been turning into what? Put it this way, I wouldn't buy a lampshade off them if I was you!

Quotes of the Day.

 

Fine words butter no parsnips. (My granny).

Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity - and I'm not sure about the universe. (Albert Einstein).

My Deadline's Bigger Than Your Deadline - So There!

Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has given France 48 hours to back down over the cross-Channel fishing rights dispute.

Dear Ms Truss,

This 48-hour deadline of yours. Couple of things.

Firstly, France gave the UK a 24-HOUR DEADLINE to back down in the row over the UK's issuing of fishing licences. That kinda makes your deadline somewhat irrelevant, doesn't it? According to my time keeping, they will officially NOT have backed down and doubtless have introduced sanctions a full day BEFORE your deadline for them back down and not introduce sanctions expires? D'ya see the problem?

Secondly, back down or what? Or else we will escalate a currently fledgling trade war between the UK and France? Good idea! "If you don't stop threatening me with that knife I'm going to kill myself!"

My understanding of the dispute is that the UK stands accused of abiding by the letter of its Brexit agreement but not by its spirit, deliberately dragging its heels over the processing of licences for French fishermen? 

If true, and evidence suggests it is, that's a bit childish isn't it? "Ok, ok, ok. I WILL open the gate for you as agreed - one inch, two inches, three inches, four inches......naa-naa-na-naa-na! I win!"

Wanna know how to solve this dispute in an instant? - AND eradicate the Northern Ireland border row AND get our shelves fully stocked again AND rescue our farmers from bankruptcy AND get lorry drivers back AND save thousands of companies by restoring free trade etc? HAVE ANOTHER REFERENDUM!  SCRAP BREXIT!

"Oh, but the people have spoken." Have they? Have they really?

1. Only just! A majority of 3.78 per cent! Hardly a cast iron mandate. Besides, the people also spoke in 1975, to join the then Common Market. Does the voice of the people then not count? "Oh, but things have changed a lot since then." Yeah, like they haven't changed since we came out of the EU!!

2. The vote was taken against a background of a torrent of lies told by your boss, Mr Johnson, and the Brexiteers.

3. It's only now the truth is evident and voters have the information they need to make an informed decision. They didn't then.

Wanna know what the result will be? The people will speak again and say: "Brexit is a disaster! We need to be in the EU" - and by way more than 3.78 per cent!

Are you worried Referendum 2 would be damaging politically and not only show the Tories are indecisive but that their leader is a liar? 

Oh come on! Your government has already done more U-turns than a U-turny thing and Johnson has shown time and time again that he and the truth are on different planets.

Think on and look sharp!

Reg.

The King is Dead, Long Live the Pud!

The boss who oversaw one of the greatest inventions in the history of humankind has died, aged 93 - and virtually no-one has ever heard of him!

The man? Ado Campeol.

The invention? Tiramisu.

Yes, the most fantastic foodstuff in the history of the universe was first created in 1972 in the kitchen of Ado's Alle Beccherie restaurant in Treviso, northern Italy, by his wife Alba and chef Roberto Linguanotto.

The family business was eventually sold in 2014.

Alla tenuta di Ado Campeol,
Mi è dispiaciuto tanto sapere della scomparsa del signor Campeol. Voglia accettare le mie sincere condoglianze.

Ciò detto, devo a lui, alla signora Campeol e al signor Linguanotto un debito di grazie che è impossibile esprimere con precisione.

Grazie per il tiramisù. Grazie, grazie, grazie! È il dolce più buono del mondo!

Cordiali saluti,

Reg Pither,

Wolverhampton,

Inghilterra.

Or.......

To The Estate of Ado Campeol,

I was so sorry to hear of the passing of Signor Campeol. Please accept my sincere condolences.

That said, I owe him, Signora Campeol and Signor Linguanotto I debt of thanks it is impossible to accurately convey.

Thank you for Tiramisu. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is the finest dessert in the world!

Warm regards,

Reg Pither,

Wolverhampton,

England.

Hurrah for Bulls! Only 47,349,999 Spaniards to Go.

So, a 55-year-old man bled to death after being gored at a bull running festival in Spain.

Dear Spanish Ambassador,

I gather a man was gored to death in the bull running festival in Onda? Well, that makes it Terrified, Chased, Doomed Animals 1 - Bloodthirsty, Backward, Bullying Retards 23,678,937. Forgive me for a lack of sympathy for the dead man's family but look at it from our point of view - that's one less vile animal abuser for the bulls to worry about.

What disgusting, archaic, barbaric and uncivilised practices bull running and bull fighting are! They are so sick even half of your own people want them banned!

If they are supposedly demonstrations of manliness in your country then God help you if you ever get in a fight. "Men" like that would get beaten up by the Girl Guides over here.

Get this barbarism banned!

Reg.