I Have a Dream.

Whether it's greedy politicians or obscenely overpaid bankers, company directors and CEOs, right-wingers and ardent Capitalists will always say: "You have to pay top money to get top people."

Urrrrrm no, actually. In fact, it's frequently quite the reverse. When you pay top money you get people whose sole interest and driving force is...........well.......money! 

This riches-for-the-deserving rot has been peddled by the powerful ever since rabid Capitalism took hold in the West 40 years ago but it is not a universal doctrine. You see, it doesn't apply to the rest of us!

WE can't demand top dollar to take up jobs, just because we have the most experience, the highest skills and the best track record. Nope, those at the top will always appoint those they can PAY THE LEAST, invariably the young. To boot, the young are also the most malleable and willing to accept the poorest conditions. Employers know they will have to accept what they're given and buckle under to get any form of a start in life.

All that fits in with the "market" ethos. The primary aim of companies is NOT to provide the best, value for money products or services. It is to make as much money as humanly possible. Consequently, they want top people whose only interest in life IS money - how much they can make for their shareholders and themselves.

Quality, reliability, excellence and performance, let alone abstract concepts such as morals and ethics, are of ABSOLUTELY no importance. They are, in fact, derided as the interests of failures.

With this as a backdrop, it is therefore ridiculous that we should be shocked to learn many of our political, financial and corporate leaders are greedy, corrupt sleaze merchants. Many are, let's face it, by any clinical definition, psychopaths.

If we want REAL change we have to start with our MPs. Put them on realistic, middle-to-higher-middle incomes (that's NOT £82,000-a-year!) for FULL-TIME work as our representatives, with NO consultancies or second jobs allowed, NO homes "flipping", NO fucking duck houses, NO wives/girlfriends as £80,000-a-year "secretaries" etc, etc.

That would soon weed out the greedy, what's-in-it-for-me? troughers who currently infest Parliament. "What, £45,000-a-year? I wouldn't get out of my call girl's bed for that!" 

You would actually get many more people whose only goals were to serve and work to improve society, not themselves. Maybe then they would get laws passed to adequately raise basic wages, curb executive pay, put customers and employees ahead of shareholders, crackdown on the bonus culture, properly regulate banks and STOP tax fiddling by the rich so they can actually contribute fairly to fixing the whole sodding mess!

Hang on. My alarm has just gone off. Marilyn Monroe isn't here after all. This isn't a tropical island. Damn, it was all just a dream.

Pay Up!

This business of flat owners having to foot the bills for the replacement of potentially lethal cladding of the type which majorly contributed to the deaths of 72 people at Grenfell Tower? Uuuurm....why?

If I buy a food mixer which is a tad explosive because it turns out it is largely made out of Semtex then would I be responsible for paying to get it made safe?

If I bought a lilo which, unbeknown to me or any other buyer, was inflated with pure hydrogen would my family have to pay my funeral costs should I accidentally drop a lit fag on it?

Maybe it's just me, and I know this sounds daft, but shouldn't the manufacturers of dangerous cladding and firms which fitted it knowing it was highly inflammable have to stump up the money to have it replaced?

Then again, what do I know?

Barking Mad.

There are times when I'm forced to put a hand over one eye, blink wildly with the other, and scream: "What!?! You are fucking joking?!?" Well, this one really takes the biscuit - the dog biscuit.

A new television channel is in the pipeline.......specifically for dogs!!!! Oh God! Take me now!

Yes, DogTV will soon be with us and the brains (oh, perleease!) behind it say it has been scientifically tailored to relieve symptoms of separation anxiety, loneliness and stress.

Boffins have apparently spent three years creating programmes for this broadcasting bollocks and Prof. Nicholas Dodman is the evidently mentally unstable, finger-pointingly-laughable-at man who's office door will carry the sign "Chief Scientist for DogTV". He must be so proud.

Now I am possibly THE GREATEST dog lover in the world and I confess I often leave the TV on when I go out so my pack have music and human voices to listen to but...........well..........come on!

Do "they" SERIOUSLY think my husky will be able to tell the difference between Coronation Street and Fido's Fluffytime? Will my Staffy-cross really binge watch Sadie Sings Songs from The Shows because he's grown tired of the inner plasticity of the underlying metaphor behind Morse? What about my blind AND deaf chihuahua-cross? Will she actually notice the substitution of Come Dine With Me by Scratchy's Scratchy Time?

If all this were not enough to make you reach for the Prozac, "they" also plan to include human-hosted cookery shows featuring delicious dishes for dogs! What????????

I've witnessed my dogs eat dead pigeons, grass, rotting mice - even their own shit!! I can't, in all honesty, see them telling the difference between a light yet tangy Marquise au Chocolat and a bucket of their own sick!

No, DogsTV? - that dog don't hunt!

The Lunatic Has Taken Over The Asylum - Forever!

Whether you're Tory, Labour or Liberal, just what in the name of holy hand grenades does Boris Johnson have to do to get sacked?

Bugger the queen? Go on a gun rampage through an orphanage? Criticise Felicity Kendal?

Just imagine for one moment that the bloated, blustering, Bullingdon buffoon had started with a clean slate this month? Try to believe the litany of lies, cock-ups, catastrophes and corruptions which have been his premiership never happened? Well, in the space of just the last seven days he has:

1. Forced his Conservative colleagues to vote through a ripping up of the Parliamentary rulebook to save the skin of sleazy Tory Owen Paterson.

2. Done a complete U-turn when the nation was outraged at his move, confirming as it did he believed there was one rule for them but another for him and his chums.

3. Told the world it was one minute to midnight and we were 5-1 down (Jesus Christ!) in the fight to combat climate change and save the planet - then bailed out of the COP26 summit and hopped aboard a private jet to get to a  claret and pheasant dinner at the men-only Garrick Club in London with his right wing, sycophantic pals from the Daily Telegraph.

4. Conveniently remembered an appointment at a hospital in Hexham to make him miss an urgent debate in Parliament 250 miles away in which the Government was summoned to apologise for its actions over the Paterson affair.

5. Repeatedly refused to apologise when chased down by reporters in Northumberland but........

6. Put hapless Cabinet Office minister Steven Barclay above the parapet at Westminster in his place to get metaphorically ripped apart by MPs and sheepishly admit the government's attempted corruption had been a regrettable mistake.

I confidently predict that, to top off a record breaking week, Johnson will today sell the UK to China, divorce Carrie Symonds and marry Kim Jong-un, open a puppy skinning factory, shoot Greta Thunberg and put The Nolans on the terrorism watch list.

There IS only one word to adequately describe Johnson..........he's a c***! Sorry.

Sadly - tragically even - it appears we're stuck with him. Like malaria or herpes, he will never go away. 

It would appear the UK has a suicide pact with Sudan. So be it. Why bother with elections? If the great British public wants him then the great British public better not dare not moan about ANYTHING from now until the end of time - which could be two years on Thursday the way the planet is going.

We're All In It Together.

While the rest of us disappear down the financial toilet...........

http://news.sky.com/story/superyacht-sales-soar-thanks-to-pandemic-and-growing-numbers-of-billionaires-12463991

And that was a satire on Communism! 

What a wonderful world.

P.S. This is a yacht.

This isn't. It's what men with very small penises who have screwed over everybody they have ever met buy to try to compensate.

I'm Offended You're Offended!

 

Seriously, this is genuine!

This pre-programme warning nonsense on TV is bad enough to start with.

In my case, it's self-defeating because the moment I see a "Warning, this programme contains scenes which some viewers may find offensive" alert I AM offended! 

Jesus H Christ, I've actually seen these end-of-the-world-is-nigh proclamations before The Likely Lads and, wait for it, kids TV gameshow Runaround with Mike Reid!

How many times? YOU DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT NOT TO BE OFFENDED!

Likewise, is it absolutely necessary to warn the supposedly fragile viewing public that The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Peter Sutcliffe - The Making of a Monster "contains scenes of blood and violence"? Oh really? I thought they would be comedy-musicals performed through the medium of modern dance? Fuck off!

My particular beef, however, centres on TV adverts by animal charities. They invariably carry footage and images of starving, cowering dogs, cats with arrows in their eyes, skin-and-bone, exhausted donkeys being whipped up hills, tigers dying in horrific traps, terrified bears being kept alone in tiny cages or orphaned rhinos trying to nuzzle up to their slaughtered, dismembered mothers.

I am a BIG animal lover and find such scenes very upsetting, a tad more so than fucking Mike Reid telling some pre-pubescent snotball he's "avin' a giraffe". Am I given a warning these horrifying REAL LIFE scenes of animal suffering are to follow? No! I just have to scramble for the remote to hit "mute" and then turn away from the telly!

I'm sure we don't need these scenes, or images of children starving to death, to learn that there are charities out there to help the sick, maimed, hungry and abused.

Oh, it's shock TV designed to spur people into action is it? Well, how come that's ok but a programme entitled "The Shocking Case of a Shocking Man Being Shocked to Death in an Electric Chair" requires a warning to prevent viewers being shocked by the content so fully detailed in the title?

I am legally obliged to preview this Blog with an "adult content" alert but that is only because I don't want some fucking bellend to be shocked when they learn a feed apparently about letter writing is in fact an anthology of abuse.

So, now you know.

Why Screw Up One Job When You Can Screw Up Two?

A cabinet minister has at last raised a figurative eyebrow over the habit of some MPs holding down "consultancy" jobs with outside companies in addition to their Parliamentary positions.

In a breathtaking understatement, Conservative Anne-Marie Trevelyan said it would be "wise" to revisit the issue of second jobs for members of the House.

Firstly, don't you love the way politicians talk? "Economical with the truth", "impression of wrongdoing", "lessons will be learnt" etc. 

Secondly, as for it being "wise" to look at MPs lining their pockets by taking money from us, the taxpayers, while working for profit-making outfits? - D'ya' think?

All of the jobs I've had involved working my testes off, often six and even seven days-a-week, frequently getting home very late and THEN being on-call or having to field phone calls connected to work in some way. I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO HAVE A SECOND JOB! The only way I would have been able to free up a few hours to earn extra dosh and benefit someone else would have been to forego ANY sleep and never have a bowel movement. That would have killed me in a matter of days!

For all my efforts, I earned little more than enough to buy bread, to keep me alive, to go back to work, to buy bread.........Your bog standard, MFI-type MP meanwhile "earns" £81,932-a-year, plus accommodation, travel and subsistence expenses! For that kind of money you'd expect them at least to regard it as a full-time fucking job!!!

If they are actually turning up to the House of Commons, going round and about to meet constituents, attending meetings, drafting reports and letters, taking up the plight of their disadvantaged voters and getting in a few hours shut-eye to stay alive then how the bleedin' hell are they finding time to hold down a second job?

The answer is THEY'RE NOT! They're skimping on the sodding job WE pay them to do because £81,000+ just isn't enough for them, the greedy bastards! They are devoting hours of OUR time to further enriching themselves and giving private firms a leg up in the world at the same time.

"Wise" to look at the practice again? Too bloody right! Like, BAN SECOND JOBS!!! Without even considering the slight matter of conflicts of interests, why should they have two when millions of voters don't have one!

Power is Their Only Principle.

Sir Keir Starmer went on national TV yesterday to launch a savage attack on Boris Johnson over his attempts to save sleazy Owen Paterson's Parliamentary skin by watering down the rules on standards. Starmer's headline-grabbing party piece was to demand our Acme-Joke Prime Minister apologise publicly to the nation over the affair.

Well, bravo! Here-here! I and I'm sure the majority of the country agree with Starmer on that but there is one tiny anti-flatulence tablet to take the wind out of his sails................IT'S TAKEN HIM FUCKING LONG ENOUGH!

The Committee on Standards' damning report on Paterson's sleazy activities was published almost two weeks ago! Where was the Opposition's knight in not-so-shining armour then? All over the box lambasting the Tories' continuing cash-for-questions shenanigans? Not on your codpiece!

Then, five days ago, Johnson orders his Tory troops to vote for an overhaul of the whole standards system with a view to getting Paterson off the naughty step and back into the fold. Did Starmer hit tilt then and demand pitchfork-brandishing hordes descend on Parliament to string up corrupt politicians? Our survey said....ah-arrrrrgh! 

No, what happens over the last fortnight is the poor schmucks who pay for all of them (that's "us". Ed) start screaming "enough is e-fucking-nough!" and only then does Starmer decide "Ah! There's votes in them thar ills".

All of a sudden he switches on the "outraged" button and wants us all to know this affair is disgusting and heads should roll.

You just know his army of spin doctors and strategic planners had, until then, been busy pouring over graphs, piecharts and Venn diagrams of marginal constituences until some Justin-type minced in with copies of the daily papers! "Seen this your sirship? I've had an idea."

Starmer's belated, insincere rage, coming as late as it did, not only reeks of pragmatism and not principle but also clearly illustrates why Johnson and his cohorts of incompetent, self-serving, greedy, insensitive, totally disconnected colleagues are still in power...............BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING EFFECTIVE OPPOSITION!!!!!

This is partly why the bitch Thatcher sat on the throne for so long! Labour then had Kinnock, a complete waste of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms if ever there was one!

Then Labour was all set to take charge under the stewardship of the great John Smith but he was tragically (in so many more ways than one) taken from us all and so which opportunistic, insincere, power-hungry shit stepped in? Yup, Tory Blair.

He got Labour elected by adopting the clever strategy of having Conservative ideals and policies. We got Labour spelled T.O.R.Y.

We haven't had an effective opposition to the right wing agenda for 40 years now! - and don't it show!

We're in a total mess but I can only say to the electorate "You get what you vote for".

Save The World! - Why?

Tsk! Kiddies can be mischievous little urchins, can't they?

I remember when I was alive, back in the '60s and '70s. Half term saw a rise in general naughtiness, with children ringing doorbells and running away, riding their bikes without lights at dusk and pilfering the pick-'n-mix at Woolies. Still, society managed somehow to survive.

Wind forward to 2021 and police were called to a retail park in Walsall where two cheeky, little rapscallions WERE THREATENING PEOPLE WITH A GUN (a toy, as it turned out) and carrying a large kitchen knife!

These two tiny bundles of fun were...........aged 10 and 11! Yes, that's 10 and 11!!.

We are told that they and two pals - aged 11 and 7 - yes, that's 7! - were escorted home by police who were going to have a word with their parents.

A chat with mummy and daddy? I know the law limits the options available for dealing with such micro-shits/future serial killers but maybe we should reassess - like locking the little bastards away for 25 years, during which time they undergo intense psychological therapy and electric shock treatment!

Dear Greta Thunberg,

This saving the planet business? Is it really worth it?

Regards,

Reg.

Competition Time.

Which of the following famous people attending a crucial summit on climate change held during a pandemis is:

A. Not wearing a facemask?

B. Asleep?

Makes you proud to be British eh?

Photo of the Day.

I am almost ashamed to post this and yes, it IS totally lacking in humanity or empathy but I just couldn't resist it.

This is the photo used to head up a BBC report on climate change. I'm sorry, but it's his face - and his arms, resolutely by his side! It's Pythonesque. I couldn't stop imagining speech bubbles like:

"Well, that's fucked it!"
Or

"Don't ask!"

Or

"So much for the fucking barbecue"

Or

"Not a word! Not a single bloody word!"

Or

"Ever had one of those days?"

Or just 

"Mwa, wa, waaaaah!"

If It Ain't Broke, Fix It.

A cross-party committee of MPs (yes, Labour AND Conservatives) working for the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards conducted a two-year investigation into the activities of North Shrophire Tory MP Owen Paterson and concluded he had breached rules and should be suspended from the House of Commons.

Paterson had "repeatedly used his privileged position to benefit two companies for which he acted as a paid consultant".

So far, so bad.

Trouble is, when the Tories are in charge they ignore such rulings, witness their bullying Home Secretary, Not-so-Priti Patel. In Paterson's case, however, they are going the extra mile towards Fascism by wanting to change the rules and re-run the investigation until they get the result they want!

Hasn't anyone read Animal Farm? What the hell does it take to get these sleeze merchants booted out of office? Where is the opposition? Where is Sir Keir bloody Starmer?

Spearheading moves to change the goalposts and get greedy Paterson not only back in Parliament but exonerated is right wing loonbag MP and Brexiteer extraodinaire Andrea Leadsom.

Dear Ms Leadsom,

I understand that it was a tad embarrassing when your party pal Owen Paterson was caught out accepting payment for repeatedly trying to benefit two companies.

Likewise, I have to admit it was a tad embarrassing when I discovered my hair was falling out, my teeth were doing the same, I had achieved the specific mass of a black hole and these inconveniences made me, at best, a distant outsider for a spot on Love Island.

Thing is, I accepted it. I did not insist on a change to programming criteria whereby only bald, toothless, fat men were allowed to appear on reality TV shows.

You, on the other hand, seek to ignore the existing rules and instead get them changed until you achieve the outcome you desire. In this instance, you want feathering one's own nest to give certain firms an advantage by using your privileged position to be an acceptable standard of behaviour for MPs. It is not clear yet whether you want to make it compulsory?

What next? Scrapping the tiresome business of General Elections? How about just re-running General Elections until you win? 

Then there is that annoying malarky of votes on legislation in the House. Wouldn't it be far better if the lobby against the Government was barred and bolted before the vote was taken?

In the meantime, might I suggest you do a few things:

1. Read Animal Farm by Eric Arthur Blair (no, nothing to do with your hero Tony).

2. When you've finished colouring that in read The Origins of Totalitarianism by Hannah Arendt.

3. Look up the word "standards".

4. Realise that you have been fundamentally wrong all your life and resign.

Hoping this helps,

Reg.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe In....and In, and In.....

Dear Environment Secretary George Eustice, 

Let me see if I've got this right?

1. Continued increases in global temperatures will melt the ice caps, drowning us, and screw up finely balanced ecosystems, starving, boiling or dehydrating us?

2. Temperature increases are caused by mounting levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere?

3. Human beings inhale the gaseous mix which is air but breathe out mainly carbon dioxide?

4. World leaders, celebrities and the rich are at the forefront of those particularly keen to let us know they will do everything they can to help combat climate change?

So far, so good? Ok, here's the plan. We all chip in, say £1 each, to hire Wembley Stadium for as long as the money lasts.

We then invite along a carefully selected list of guests. Far be it from me to dictate the admissions but might I suggest they include:

Jacob Rees-Mogg, Tony Blair, Lord Frost, Peter Mandelson, Eric Pickles, Michael Gove, Andy Peters, "Call Me Sir" Ben Kingsley, Ronaldo,

Timmy Mallet, Piers Morgan and anyone genetically linked to him, Jim Davidson, Tommy Robinson, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, anyone who has ever appeared in a musical, Leeds United, Ronald McDonald, 

"Grandad" singers St Winifred's School Choir, that porky "I'm only six, you figure it out" kid off the tv climate change advert, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, all bank CEOs, the woman at my post office, the team behind the "Bish, Bash, Bosh It" Lifebuoy advert, Robbie Savage, Martin Keown, 

Jonathan "I commentate like a kid playing on a park" Pearce, Danny "whining Scouser" Murphy.........and anyone who has ever said "lover her or hate her, Mrs Thatcher was a good Prime Minister".

Once assembled at Wembley the exits should be locked and then everyone inside ORDERED NOT TO BREATHE OUT!

Not only would the nation's carbon dioxide emissions plummet, think of all that hot air removed from the atmosphere as well! It's a belter!

Waddy'a think?

Reg.

Some Flu Over the Chicken's Nest.

With bird flu having broken out among poultry in Wrexham we need to ask:

1. How do you get chickens to socially distance?

2. Will hens wear facemasks?

3. What will Bill Gates do once he's got control of birds' brains through vaccinations? 

4. How will the RSPB cope with the demand for beds?

Dear George Eustice,

.............

When The Cuddling Stops and The Killing Begins.

Another childhood illusion shattered!

It has been revealed that The Wombles are collaborating with Paul McCartney to bolster his Meat Free Monday campaign.

The Wimbledon scavengers have teamed up with Macca to produce two "family friendly, plant-based recipes".

This has come as a real shock to me! Why? Because The Wombles are backing Meat Free Monday? No! Because that implies they eat meat the rest of the week!

I always assumed the boys and girls living overground and underground, Wombling free on Wimbledon Common, existed on a diet of leaves, grass, nuts, fruit and other such green goodies. To learn that they have a taste for red meat is truly disturbing.

Has Uncle Bulgaria been hauling unsuspecting walkers down his burrow to be torn limb from limb all these years? Have dog walkers lost their precious pets to Orinoco and his endless thirst for blood? Has Madame Cholet been using Jeffrey Dahmer's cookbook to satisfy the insatiable hunger of her carniverous kids?

As for recycling, exactly what have they been turning into what? Put it this way, I wouldn't buy a lampshade off them if I was you!